Amends
by edwards-girl-4-ever
Summary: A look at the time SM skipped over in between New Moon and Eclipse. How did Bella get back to her pre-zombie normal.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

I do not own these characters. I am just trying to help them resolve their issues.

I want to thank my amazing and astounding beta who I met on the twilighted boards Kalklo, you rock.

I hope you like this and review. It is my first fanfic ever so be nice :)

Edward's POV

Sitting in the rocking chair in Bella's small bedroom in Charlie's house, I was happier than I ever deserved to be. I was able to watch my love sleep, I was back in her life, she loved and forgave me, and my world was complete. I had moved to the chair a few minutes ago, because Bella was shivering. I marked the passage of time by listening to the sound of her heartbeat, the most significant sound in my world, which was a symphony unto itself.

The sound of her heartbeat was inspiring me; I felt another tune about my Bella forming as she started to murmur. This was only our second night together since our return from Italy, one night since her ridiculous vote, and I could not wait to hear her uncensored thoughts. I missed them most of all because that was the closest I truly ever got to being able to hear her thoughts, as I did with everyone else in my life and the indeed the world.

First, there was a sigh, and I knew any second I would hear her sweet voice, the sound of my salvation; I had so missed the voice of my angel. I leaned forward to be able to hear her better, not that I had to—it was habit formed by years of the human façade we all perfected. Then my angel said my name, and my long-dead heart warmed. There was another sigh. This one was agitated, and this confused me. I realized that she must have been reliving the hell she was put through in Italy. That was my doing. She was paying for my sin, and I was truly a disgusting and selfish creature. I never deserved to have this miraculous creature in my life, and that was never truer than at that very moment.

Her lips parted and I waited for a scream or some other sign of distress as I walked over to the bed so I could wake her and save her from reliving some of the nightmare to which I had subjected her.

"Edward," she murmured. I paused. Was she awake? No, her heart rate told me she was still in the deep REM of her sleep cycle.

She then spoke again. "I don't trust you. You broke me."

With those simple words, I wished I were dead. The irony was not lost on me; I was indeed dead, but what I meant was to be dead in the traditional sense.

My Bella was hurting and it was not due to the Volturi. It was because of me. My leaving broke her, yet she accepted me back in her life almost without question. I thought Bella had forgiven me. She had told me as much.

Had she lied to me? No, Bella was a terrible liar. Her blush and easy to read facial expressions always gave her away. This must have been something her subconscious needed to work through.

She had been through so much: I had left her, I had attempted to kill myself, she had saved me, and then she took me back after I...well… broke her. I would forever carry the burden of this shame.

"Bella," I said softly, knowing full well that even if she were awake, her human ears would not be able to hear me. I needed to say these words out loud. If I said them out loud, I would be making a promise to Bella, and I told her I would never break another promise to her.

I took an unnecessary breath to calm myself.

"Bella," I repeated. "I will make this up to you. I will earn back your trust." With that, I sat back down in the rocking chair and waited for morning.

I was lying in bed with Bella. She was under the covers and I was above them. She was snuggled up tightly next to my hard form, her head resting on my chest. I knew this must not have been comfortable for her, but when I tried to move away, she whimpered. The guilt from what she said in her sleep last night was still fresh in my mind. Truthfully, I had been obsessing about it all day long. I refused to tell Bella about what she said in her sleep. I knew her well enough to know she would blame herself and not place blame where it belonged, which was squarely upon my shoulders. So instead, I tried to be as reassuring and loving as I could all day long.

Bella had not been sleeping long when her breathing slowed and she was in the deep cycle of sleep that voiced the hidden thought of her silent mind to me. Bella stirred slightly but did not wake.

"Edward," she murmured, followed by, "Bastard," and, "How could you?" My long dead heart broke. I realized my actions warranted this punishment. Perhaps I could now brace myself for her sending me away for good. Even I knew this was unlikely, but perhaps fate, in all her twisted wisdom, was doing this to break me as I had broken my sweet Bella.

Every harsh murmur was like a knife going to the heart. I kept repeating over and over in my head my new mantra: "You don't deserve her, you know this. She chose you, so make this right." The time passed slowly, as I waited for the sun to rise and my darling Bella, to awaken. Only her touch, her kiss, and her conscious words would prove to be a salve for the wounds inflicted during the night. Regardless of the fact that I did not deserve these comforts, I needed them. Without them, I could not try to better myself and turn into a man worthy of my Bella.

The last two nights had been torture. Bella had expressed in her uncensored thoughts that I had broken her. I 'officially' left Bella—following the visiting hours assigned by Charlie—and hunted some local game off the Cullen property. Afterward, I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of Bella's bedroom, watching her as per usual. The typical thoughts swam through my mind. My Bella was suffering because of me in more ways than I could count. I left to avoid doing this to her.

_Some good that did_, _Cullen,_ I chastised myself.

When I returned from hunting, I found Bella's window open and her asleep with her light on and Wuthering Heights lay strewn on the bed. She must have been reading to try and stay awake. She had been waiting for me, and yet again, I disappointed her. When I came in, I turned out the light, placed the book on her desk, and tucked her in properly so she did not catch a chill from the open window. Normally, she would have been able to wait up for me, but the past few days had taken such a toll on her and she still was not fully recovered.

I watched my angel sleep. She was glorious when she slept. Her hair cascaded over the pillow and her full lips were pursed. She was the epitome of tranquility. I sat and gazed upon her, and though I had no right, I thanked God that she was safe, as safe as she could be with me. I should have known better than to be so presumptuous because it was at this moment my love began to speak. Apparently I had not missed this nightly ritual. I wondered what this night would bring. Would she be murmuring my name and declarations of her love, which I did not deserve? Or would I be greeted with the horrific truth of how much I had damaged the most important element of my existence?

"I hate you, Edward," she said so clearly I thought she was awake. These were the words I feared most.

"You nearly killed me, are you happy?" she murmured so quietly that it was almost inaudible, even to my immortal hearing.

I was a selfish being. I would surely be damned to hell for what I did to this sweet and loving woman. Perhaps this would be my punishment as long as Bella remained human. She would profess her love to me during the day, but at night when she found escape from the realities of life, I would be forever confronted by the consequences of her pain… oh, the bitter irony. I would never know peace at night again. I could not sleep and now I would literally never escape the pain I caused her.

"Bella would be angry at you if she could hear your thoughts," a little voice in my head, which sounded remarkably like my pixie sister, said.

Should I discuss this with Bella? What would I say if she asked me what she said in her sleep? I needed a plan of action. I would not let her know about this, as it would make everything harder on her. I would simply confess her murmuring my name and mumbling. I knew that would never work since Bella was well aware that I would never miss a word she said because of my hearing and devotion to her. I would simply tell her I missed her talking tonight because the family sidelined me after my hunt. That was plausible.

I had no way to know how to deal with this. I was at a loss at how to make this up to Bella. I needed someone to help me. I didn't know to whom I should turn. I thought that perhaps I would speak to my father, but then I realized that I did not deserve his council and would have to navigate this on my own. No sooner did I make this decision then my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I opened it and saw a text message from Alice:

_Edward,_

_If you don't speak to Carlisle, you lose her. Do the right thing this time, for all of us. Speak to Carlisle tomorrow._

_Love, A._

I would not lose Bella again. I would not survive it and I could not do that to her again. My pride would be a small price to pay to keep the loving and trusting Bella I adored in my life. It was settled; in the hours I was forced to spend away from her, I would discuss this with Carlisle. Now I just had to get him away from the others or I would never hear the end of it. Unlike Bella, my family were still openly hostile with me for what I put them all through.

Tomorrow was my day of reckoning.

**Chapter End Notes:**

Please review.


	2. Fatherly Advice

**Chapter Note: **

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

I must start with an apology and extend my thanks to the great people who helped me.

The apology is to you my wonderful readers who reviewed and bookmarked this story and then didn't get an update in over a month. I hate when authors give excuses; HOWEVER, I have a good excuse. It was not that real life got in the way but rather I had some Beta drama. To make amends ( ) I decided against splitting this into two chapters and just sending you one REALLY long one (19 pgs) I hope you like it.

Now to the thank you list, first up is my fabulous twilighted validation beta Tima83, who did the first proofreading of this chapter when she didn't have to, it meant a lot. Once again thank you Tima83. I also have to thank the good betas at Project Team Beta for taking this story on. I especially want to thank imcarriej and AzureEyedI for giving some great advice and for polishing this chapter.

**Ch 2 C POV**

I was sitting in my office pretending to read, but really I was waiting for Edward. Alice told me that she 'saw' that he needed to speak to me and that it would be this morning. My daughter refused to tell me what it was about. She insisted that some things were better when they happened in the moment, and I pointed out how ironic this was coming from her. I may tease her second sight, but I do rely on Alice, and I don't know how we got along without her, _or_ Jasper for that matter. It was not just her gift that made Alice dear to me; it was her exuberance for life. It was the fact that she took pleasure in the little things, though with Alice the smaller the bag, the higher the price tag. The past few months Alice was not herself and I know that is why she went to Volterra. It was as much for her and Jasper as it was for Edward and Bella.

Edward and Bella…I had not worried about two people more in my entire existence than I did these two in the last few months. It was because of this worry that I didn't go back to work at Forks hospital right away. Well, really it was all because of Alice, who hinted that the family would need me. I decided to wait a week, see how things progressed, get Edward and Alice re-enrolled in school, and see how Bella adjusted to it all. I was worried about her developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after all that happened in Italy. I mean, she did come and make us vote on her mortality, as if we ever would not want her with us. It was never my choice to leave her behind. I guess I do bear some resentment towards Edward. I love him, but I look at Bella and how frail she is now and I just cannot help have some lingering resentment. Another reason why I was angry with my son was because of the state he left her in, all the dangerous activities she undertook just to hear his voice. I was lucky that Alice told me to go outside because I listened to their conversation and then snuck back into the house before Edward noticed I was out there; since he never would have told me what they discussed. I have never been a believer of using violence to solve one's problems, but no matter how cultured I am- I am still a man of my time; if it would make one iota of difference to him, I would shake some sense into my son. However, I believe he will make amends eventually, with _eventually_ being the operative world. I know we have an eternity together but he sure is taking his sweet time in speaking to us. He has been back for four days, and has not spoken to any member of this family outside of Bella's company. He was remorseful at the airport, and then spoke to us at the vote, but beyond that- silence. He spends his nights and designated visiting hours with Bella, and the rest of the time he hides in the forest or his room.

I miss him. I miss debating with him, not the fighting and arguing we have done lately, but our philosophical discussions. I love my wife and all my children, but Edward is special to me. He was the first one; he was the one who ended my loneliness. Beyond that, I am nagged by the promise I made to Elizabeth Masen to take care of her only son. He was her entire world, her hope and joy. I had to watch him slowly slipping away day by day, before he left to track Victoria. He was not just a shell of the happy boy who loved Bella, but even of the self-loathing intellectual he was before. I miss my son; I want him back in my life, not just ghosting around the house.

God, give me a way to help my son, Edward. I know he is not perfect, but I know something is wrong, and I ask you for the strength and compassion to help him through it.

I was sitting in silence mulling over my plea to God, when I heard a soft knock on my study door. This was unnecessary as I could smell Edward and hear him as he approached up the hall, but I appreciated the show of respect nonetheless.

_ Come in, Edward,___I thought.

I treasured our silent communications; we were so good at it after all these years that it was second nature. In this case, my reasons were twofold for communicating by these means; first, it would allow him to see my intentions. I know he has a predilection for flying off the handle and being over dramatic, and allowing him to see into my head would hinder any chance of a misunderstanding. The second reason was that no matter what Edward had to tell me, I wanted to keep as much as we could between us. The boys tend to mock each other mercilessly, and I have a feeling that Emmett is itching to get some dirt on Edward to make him pay for the trauma we endured.

"Thank you, Carlisle" Edward said. I had not realized that I had so thoroughly thought through my choice and that he knew my motivation. His response also highlighted that he understood that I was right on both accounts. If this were a different time in our relationship, I would mention that I was marking that date, as Edward never admitted someone else was right. My son then gave me a half-hearted fleeting smile and a joyless chuckle; again I didn't hide my thoughts well.

"Carlisle, could we go for a quick hunt? I really need to talk to you and I don't want the others to overhear," he pleaded.

_Whatever you need son. I take it this is about Bella and other recent events_? I thought. I was trying hard to remain calm, as if I were a counselor to him, not a parent. I had to walk the line between being the hurt parent and confident, as I knew that outside of Bella and Alice, I was the only one Edward had ever really opened up to. No matter what I felt, I understood that he needed me to listen to him. It didn't mean I would keep things professional the entire time, but I would try to hear him out first.

"Yes, in part," he replied slowly, and looked down, ashamed of himself. His guilt chewed at me.

_Let's go. There is much we need to discuss. I have given you time, but I think there are important things that warrant being said. I just want you to know that I love you and I will try to understand, son, no matter what you need to say. Know that this will be kept between us._

After I thought this, he looked like he was being burned alive. This was what he must have looked like when Jane was using her power on him, as Alice said. I had seen Jane use her gift on people during my time with the Volturri, and this was that look. My heart broke because some simple show of kindness, someone trying to lessen his burden, physically pained him. I would have to help free him of whatever was literally eating him alive. I was careful and guarded these thoughts from him. I had realized long ago that a vampire brain can think of many things at once, and if you were as old as I was and lived with a mind reader, one concentrated they could hide portions of my thoughts.

He nodded at me, not looking me in the eye and then turned and started walking briskly down the hall. As I followed, I saw him pass Esme. Esme, my soul mate, looked concerned and fearful—a look that had been permanently etched onto her gorgeous face for months. His treatment of her caused me more pain than the fact that he had abandoned me as well. He had so much to atone for; he had deeply wounded everyone who loved him. When we made eye contact, I saw the sheer panic in her eyes. She thought he was leaving. She thought I was following him, as I had months ago, to try and convince him to stay.

"Darling, Edward and I are going for a quick hunt," I explained carefully while I looked deep into her eyes. I was trying to show her how calm I was and that things were ok. I didn't say it aloud as I didn't want to give Edward any ideas. Even so I could see her thoughts written all over her face. She had confided in me last night when he was gone, that every time he left the house she now wondered if it would be the last time she saw him. Would he leave Bella and the family again? Would she be permitted to see Bella? Would this separation kill her? Would he truly follow if Bella died? Could she survive losing two more children? These were the thoughts of my beloved wife, and it caused me deep emotional distress to know one of my children, the one who is supposed to be the rational one (God help us all), did this. I had tried to allay her fears last night, but apparently she would need it to come from him, her prodigal son, for the words to mean anything.

She must have thought these questions because I heard Edward mutter a barely audible and pained, "Don't worry, I will return". Just as he had done when speaking to me, he did not look her in the eye, as if he were not allowed to. Now that I think of it, he had not looked at any of us directly since his return, unless Bella was at his side. I take it that making her feel at ease was his concern, so he acted relatively normal when she was here, but his shame must be too great and his self-esteem too low to think he deserved to look at anyone like his equal. After muttering that simple phrase, he ran down the hallway and out of the house as fast as he could. I was left to soothe Esme.

"Darling, he finally wants to talk to me. As far as I know nothing has changed, and he is not going anywhere," I said as I pulled her into my arms. She was so tense.

"Carl, intellectually I know he would not leave Bella again. But something is wrong; a mother just knows these things. I see the toll all this has taken on him. When he came back, it was as if a weight had been lifted off him and then something happened after that. I'm sure of it," she replied as she inhaled my scent deeply, and I felt her relax a little.

"I know; I'm going to get to the bottom of this and hopefully soon. I love you." With these words, I kissed her and let go.

"I love you too Carl. Now go and help our boy." She looked hopeful; this was something I had missed greatly.

I left the house and found his scent on one of our well-worn trails. I ran as fast as I could, hoping he had stopped already so I had a chance of catching up to him soon.

I followed the trail until I heard him. I stopped and listened to the sound of my son being emotionally torn apart. I approached slowly saying nothing. There he lay, curled into the fetal position on the floor in front of a boulder, miles away from our home so no one but me would hear his dry sobs.

My jaw dropped. This was a position we had all found Edward in, during the time he was with us and without Bella. He would curl up like this in his room every chance he had, mostly for days or weeks on end. If we forced him to hunt, he would oblige maybe once a month and near the end of the trip, whoever brought him would find him just like this. Things had to be terrible for him, if my strong and stoic Edward crumpled in this way.

I called his name aloud with all the compassion I could muster. He did not respond.

I called him in my mind, and still no reaction.

I tried alternating between these two methods, always ensuring my tone was full of kindness. I wanted him to feel safe and loved. I would not touch him, as I did not want to scare or startle him. However, even I have my breaking point and after fifteen minutes I screamed mentally and verbally, _"EDWARD! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"_ I had never spoken to him in a way that was less than supportive during this entire ordeal. I disagreed, I gave counterpoints and debated, but in the end, I was always supportive of his choices. I hated myself for my tone; it was so cold and detached. There was disappointment and venom laced in it, and when I looked at him, quite frankly, he seemed afraid of me.

My words did have their desired effect as he quickly collected himself, stood, and brushed himself off. But he could still not bear to look me in the eyes. He simply stared at his feet. If he continued on this way much longer, I was going to rip his feet off and not re-attach them until he looked me in the eye. I hated this '_I'm not worthy_' attitude.

_Edward, I'm sorry for taking that tone with you son, but I have been calling you mentally and verbally for a few minutes. Every time I called your name, all you did was sob louder. This is not constructive; it helps no one. Now, tell me right now why you are so upset, when you should be overjoyed that Bella is back in your life. She is safe, happy, and has forgiven you._

He stole a quick glace at me, before returning to his now favorite downward gaze.

Edward took an unnecessary steadying breath and pinched the bridge of nose. That was when I knew that this was must be far worse than I originally anticipated.

"Carlisle, I want to start by apologizing. I'm sorry I am such a miserable excuse for a son." I tried to interject but he waved me off. "Let me finish!" he snapped. I had a feeling this outburst had everything to do with pent up hostility and nothing to do with me…it could not all be directed inwards. I would have to tread carefully to get the full story.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to yell at you. See, poor excuse for a son." He gave me a weak smile and ran his hand though his unruly hair. "I am sorry I forced us to leave Forks. I am sorry I withdrew into myself and was so difficult to live with. I'm sorry I fled from you and our family when I was too much of a coward to face the pain I was causing everyone. I'm sorry I did it under the guise of tracking Victoria because I did an atrocious job of it, and that bitch is still out there somewhere. I'm sorry I ever traveled to Italy. I'm sorry I tried to have myself killed. I'm sorry I put Alice in danger. For these and for the countless other egregious sins I committed over the past few months, I am truly sorry. Please know that I do not deserve nor expect your forgiveness or understanding. I just want you to recognize how remorseful I am." As he finished speaking his voice was breaking up and thick with self-loathing.

I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him or cradle like a human parent would a toddler. Edward didn't need that; I tried that after our exile from Forks. Now was the time for a little tough love; in my book that just meant trying to maintain my composure and not breaking down myself.

_Edward, you're my son in every way that counts. I will always love and forgive you. But thank you for saying all of that; it means a lot that you understand that what you did was wrong. However, I am not that only one that was hurt by your actions. I may be the head of this family but I will not speak on their behalf. I must insist that you speak to each of them. _

"I'll talk to everyone individually later to atone for what I did; I had already planned on it after I saw the look on Esme's face in the hall." He sighed.

_I think they would appreciate it very much, especially Esme and Alice. This might be hard to hear, but before you speak to them you need to understand a little of the impact your behavior had on them. Again, I will not speak for them nor tell you things that they would want to share with you themselves, but nonetheless you need to know. It nearly killed Esme and Alice to leave Forks, and when they thought Bella was...gone, then you were in Italy….it was too much. Alice was in such a bad place Jasper could barely force himself to stay in the same room with her, but he had to because she needed him. Esme was inconsolable. I felt useless. Rose was so angry; she spent days at a time curled up with Esme trying to soothe her. Emmett missed you both dearly and had to deal with Rose's ranting about all you did to this family. I only tell you this, not to punish you but because you need to understand that Bella is one of us now. When you took her from us and then left, we fell apart. It was those callous actions which ripped us apart in seconds, but it will take some time in order to make things right again._

He nodded. The look on his face told me that he was too ashamed to do anything else.

_So what is on your mind, son? You said it was about Bella. Is she all right? What is wrong?_

What I meant was, what had he done to the poor girl now? I know this sounds insensitive, but from all I heard she was completely and utterly devastated and bereft when he left her. When I look at her, I see how frail she has become. The poor dear obviously didn't take care of herself after our departure. I really felt for Charlie Swan; I knew what it was like to watch your child give up on living and try to disappear before your very eyes.

"Oh, Carlisle," he sobbed, "she hates me!" And with that, he crumpled to the floor of the forest once again.

_Edward, she does not hate you! _I admonished him; this was by far the most unbelievable thing I have ever heard. _ I have heard her say everything to contrary. She had us go through with that preposterous vote because she chose us as a family and you as her mate and wanted us to have that same choice. As if we would ever not want her around. _I scoffed at the thought. I wanted to remind him Bella was a Cullen and always had been in my heart.

_She is my daughter now and always, I will not have her spoken about like that, take her at her word. Her love for you is as strong and pure as any of the mated pairs in this family and to say anything to the contrary after what she did for you is blasphemous_,I scolded.

_We love her, son; she completes our family and not just because of the joy she brings to your life but because of what she gives each of us. She is Alice's best friend and allowed her to feel connected to a humanity she never knew. For Emmett she is the little sister he adores and can joke around with. For him, Alice's gift negates what he sees as his brotherly duty. For Rose… well, that really remains to be seen, but from what I can observe, she is forcing Rose to notice that this life can be fulfilling and does not have be bitter and empty. For Jasper, she forgave him and that allowed him to make some peace with what he has struggled with. Also, she has saved him from always being Alice's guinea pig so that right there makes him love her… very much! _I gave a little mental chuckle and Edward rewarded me with the weakest smile I have ever gazed upon.

_For Esme, she is truly a child. She still misses her biological son, after all these years and Bella allows her to use her mothering instincts that have long been dormant and that none of you really ever needed. For me, she brings me peace as well, Edward, and not because of you directly. I still feel tremendous guilt over changing you and Rose. The trouble you both have had with what you are is difficult for me. Bella makes me see that joy truly does exist for our kind. She reaffirms my belief that we have a soul and if we try to be good __**people,**_ _then we truly can find a place in heaven. And for you Edward, she made you look beyond yourself. You have always been so reserved, angst ridden, over analytical and reflective, as Jasper and Emmett say, 'emo', and she brings you out of that. She brings you true love, pure unadulterated joy, peace, and soothes your soul. So, no, Edward, I do not believe that Bella could ever hate you. I do believe, though, that you hurt her deeply and have to work to deserve her trust again. So because of what she means to all of us and to you, you should not say such things about her. _

"S-s-she t-told me s-she h-hates me, Carlisle," he said between sobs still curled on the floor.

_ Edward, I love you, but you tend to exaggerate and overreact. So if you would like my counsel on this matter you have to try and stop sobbing and tell me exactly what happened._

I prayed he would stop crying soon. It cut me to my core to see the huddled mass that was my brilliant and talented son on the floor of the forest rocking back and forth in the fetal position sobbing tearlessly. Crying was not a cathartic release for our kind. He needed to stop it and deal with his problems head on. If he were trying to make amends, this was where it was starting.

"In her sleep the last three nights she told me as much. The first night it was, 'Edward, I don't trust you. You broke me.' Night two it was my name followed by 'bastard' and 'how could you?' I-I was willing to leave it alone and never say anything to anyone ever, but then what she said last nearly killed me," he sobbed. "I have not felt that kind of despair since I lied and left her in the woods. She said, 'I hate you, Edward' and then 'Y-y-you nearly killed me, are you happy?' I thought about telling you, Carlisle, and then I decided not to and I would just prove my love to her. Then Alice intervened. She texted me to say if I left it alone, I would lose Bella forever, a-and I cannot do that. I have to have her in my life, as selfish and unworthy as I am," he continued to sob after he stopped speaking. While he was still shaking while blubbering on the forest floor, I lowered myself onto the ground next to him, sat him up, and embraced him in a sign of solidarity and fatherly support. I was glad that he opened up to me; his behavior, though still unacceptable, now made perfect sense. Well, it made perfect sense if you understood that Edward's nature was to heap blame on himself and never deal with such issues head on.

_I'm so sorry. But you have to understand, from what Alice told me Bella has been through, as Charlie put it 'she turned into a zombie' after you left. It was horrible for her. It'll take time son. But I do think you need to discuss this with Bella and not me._

"I can't. I know her too well, or at least I did, and she would just be embarrassed and then blame herself. She has welcomed me back with open arms, and I don't want to make her feel worse." He stopped his 'crying' and but his voice was barely above a whisper.

_That is because she is scared, Edward. The girl sounds petrified that if she lets you know she is angry with you, you will leave her again. You need to make her feel safe, loved, and wanted Edward. You need to tell her you love and trust her and that she needs to express these fears to you, so the two of you can move forward together. _

"How do I do that, Carlisle? I didn't tell you but when I was gone, she started doing dangerous things so that she could remember me more clearly. She said that she would ride a motorcycle and she dove off that damn cliff because she would hear my voice telling her not to endanger her life. I was hurt by that, not because she was doing something reckless, which it was, but because she remembered me being stern and overprotective, not loving. I need to change that; I just worry what it might drive her to do."

_I did know that. Alice told us everything Charlie told her and what Bella told her before they left for Italy. The night the three of you returned, Alice told me to go outside; she insisted it was important; I overheard the entire conversation. I have been married a very long time, and I know these things; you need to communicate. You need to make her feel safe and loved. Do something special for her and broach the subject with the utmost sensitivity. _

"Ok, Carlisle, I'll try." He had a determined look in his eye.

_That is all you can do, son. Now, let's go hunt. You have not eaten well in a long time. I can see that easily and I am worried about you too. There are not many suicidal vampires out there. Edward, I know why, but would you humor me with your rationale? I won't even interrupt until you're finished._

"I had nothing left. I had isolated myself from my loving family and thoroughly angered and alienated them. I had abandoned the only love I would ever know, or would come to know. The only thing that kept me going at all was that all this was for her. My staying away was for her, my tracking Victoria was for her safety. Even keeping you away from her kept her safe. As long as she lived, I could exist. I would not leave her alone in the world. There was a chance she would need me one day, and I just might have been there. Then I thought she…was gone from this world. She was the light of my life, she accepted me for who and what I was unconditionally, and without her I was left in a world where I was alone. It was dark in my world and all I had was self-loathing. I never felt more alone. I was in South America and Rosalie was the one who called me. _ROSALIE_, Carlisle, Rose. It seemed like everyone had given up on me, and she pleaded with me to return home because Bella was dead. It seemed like the call was made out of obligation. I had no reason to live; I had already caused the family so much pain, and I didn't want to be a burden. There was also the very slight possibility that somehow I might be permitted to see Bella, even fleetingly, in the afterlife. I was so alone, I decided to take my chance. I had no reason to go on," he said simply.

If I could have, I would have been weeping, to hear my son explain that he was so lost and that I had let him get to that point. I had always believed that Edward thought through things rationally, so I let him make his own decisions. Perhaps if I had gone with him to South America… I had to stop thinking like that or I would become like him.

_Son, I'm so sorry you felt so alone and hopeless._

"Carlisle, I don't blame you. You did your best. I pushed and pushed. And finally when you would not just leave me be, I ran away in the middle of the night under the guise of hunting and only checked in days later to tell you where I was. This is on me. What I know now is that I'll never do that again. I have a reason to live and I will fight for it tooth and nail," he explained.

_And what if things don't work out?_ It was a horrible question to ask, and I knew it was not likely that Edward and Bella would break-up, but I needed to know just in case.

"I'll never leave her again. She could tell me to leave, but I won't stay away again. And no this is not about me stalking her; I just believe that as long as I can see her safe and happy, I will be fine. Hurt? Yes, but I will be able to function. You have my word that I will never pull another stunt like that again. If she chose to stay human and died…I don't know what I would do. I hope I would be able to go on living for her. She looked shattered that I would harm myself in her name. I think no matter what, this has taught me a lot about how I see the world. As always, thank you for your counsel," he replied in earnest.

_Anytime, Edward, anytime. Please never doubt that would I prefer it if you would come to me when you are in need of counsel or advice and don't just set your mind to something and act. No matter how trivial, I promise to listen and try to steer you in the right direction and not impose my will on you. I love you, Edward, but my God, you make poor choices on your own, son. Do we have a deal? _

"Okay," he agreed and went to shake my hand. As he moved to do so, two things happened at once. First, he looked me in the eye and held eye contact. The second was that I pulled him into a much-needed hug. Which of us needed it more, I did not know.

After a moment, we broke apart and went off in the direction of our prey.

End Notes

I hope you like and promise to update regularly now that I have resolved some issues. Please use the little box bellow to review, comment on the unintended hiatus or just say hi. Oh and those who review will get a preview!


	3. Siblings: You Can't Hide Forever

**Chapter Note: **

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Hey,

Just wanted to say thank-you for all the love and support you showed me. To those who through books at me for noting updating fast enough might I ask that it not be the hardcover of Breaking Dawn? I think I would prefer it you threw a copy of Midnight Son, which you printed off yourself at me…a girl can hope she won't have anything hard thrown at her can she? LOL

Okay, enough with the silliness, I have people to thank. First my great validation beat Tima83, she is fantastic and get things posted so quickly (yes Tima, I am laying it on thick you so I don't have stuff thrown at me lol). I also want to thank the good betas at Project Team Beta who add in all the commas I forget especially StoryPainter and Twimarti who laboured on this chapter.

**Ch 3 Siblings: You can't hide forever**

**Edward POV**

All told, Carlisle and I were gone about two hours. It was only 10 am Friday, and I still had a lot of time to kill before I was allowed to go to Bella's house. Since it was a weekday and Charlie was working and Bella was going to deal with Renee today; I was trying to abide by her father's punishment, at least during the day, or I would have been at the house. I thought that I would slink up to my room and ponder over all that Carlisle had told me. I know I had told him that I would speak to our family; however, I decided that this just was not the time. I felt so low, after all he told me. Of course, I knew I had heard the anguish of my family. They thought I had tuned them out; I told them I had, but my gift didn't work that way, so I just lied. I am a skilled liar, after all. The truth of those words pieced my heart…I lied to Bella. How? How did I do it? I would go to my room; that was my best bet. If I went up there and shut the door, they would not bother me until I left to see Bella, and even then I could always leave through my window. If I had thought to leave it open last night I could have gone in that way, but it had been raining and I didn't want to ruin the leather couch. I figured if I entered quietly and quickly no one would notice me. I had let Carlisle head home without me; I told him that I planned to think over what I needed to say. In reality, I was brooding, sulking and generally letting the self-loathing that I felt take over.

Tentatively, I grasped the doorknob and walked into the house. My plans were ruined when I head a very loud voice call out.

"Oh, look, Jaz, he's alive!" Emmett screamed like Dr. Frankenstein, it's one of his favorite movies—he thought it was hilarious.

_Shit,_ I thought, _why did Jasper and Emmett have to play chess in the living room today of all days? They could have been in Jasper's study, or…elsewhere._

I started to walk by without acknowledging them. I knew it was rude but I just could not face them…not yet.

"Emmett, did you forget he doesn't talk to us? He only acknowledges that we exist when Bella is around," Jasper stage whispered to Emmett.

"Yeah, because he doesn't want her to see what a depressed-emo-jackass he is," they bantered back and forth.

The hurt was evident in their underlying thoughts; it was just buried deep, deep, deep down.

"I deserve that," I muttered.

They both answered in unison; a "Yeah, you do," from Emmett, and a simple "yes," from Jasper.

"I know. I know I have not really spent any time with you two since I came back, and I want to apologize," I said. This was going to happen now whether I liked it or not. My family never left me alone. Well they did once… but they never let me forget it.

Again, their thoughts affirmed what I said, and urged me to go on. Neither would speak, probably afraid I would go back to being silent.

I continued; "I want to apologize for blaming you, Jasper, when all of this was really my fault. I want to apologize for breaking your flat screen TV Emmett, and I hope you like the new one I ordered; it is even bigger and will be installed later today. I need to apologize for leaving Forks, for wallowing in South America and for what happened in Italy," I paused.

"Jasper, you could have lost Alice because of me. I am eternally sorry," I could not even look him in the eye, while I thought about Alice. She risked everything for my happiness, while I had tried to destroy it.

_Call it even little brother; I nearly took Bella from you, _he said mentally so Emmett would not hear it._ No need to apologize for that. Alice has already made it up to me, _he added for good measure and thankfully didn't elaborate.

"I forgive you, Edward, and thank you for doing the same," he said simply with his slight southern drawl.

"Edward, it's fine. We're all cool; but you really need to speak to Esme. She was beside herself the entire time you were in South America; you didn't see what we did," Emmett added.

Just then, both of my brother's minds filled with scenes of Esme, and she looked shattered. I saw Emmett trying to comfort her, and Rose trying to call me; if I hadn't refused to answer I could have put Esme's fears to rest and told her that I was indeed okay. Emmett was comforting Rose as she railed against my decisions, then crumpled into his arms wondering what would become of her mother if I continued down this path. I also saw Alice giving her updates on my condition. These 'updates' hurt both of them because in them I was curled in a ball sobbing in my hovel, and it was killing the two women who had been the center of my world before Bella. Next, there was a shot of Jasper trying to calm Esme down; but he was unable to deal with the severity of her grief. I collapsed to the floor from the weight of these images; I felt for my siblings, as they'd had to pick up the pieces after I left the family. It also made me understand some of what I did to Bella. The hole in my chest that had begun to heal the moment I had Bella back in my arms ripped open again.

Jasper put his hand on me to try and let me compose myself. I realized I had to get control of my emotions fast, because it was not fair to him for me to fall apart like this. Not here, not now.

"I'm sorry," I spoke barely above an anguished whisper, "it is not enough, but I am".

Emmett said with a protective growl coming from deep in his chest; "no, you're right it is not enough, Edward. You need to make this up to Esme. This almost killed her, Rose, Alice, and not to mention Jasper, here, who nearly lost his mind taking in all the guilt, blame, hurt and anger. Carlisle will never admit it but he was just as lost, and not just because of Esme. He loves you, man. I know how we suffered, so I cannot even imagine how Bella took it. I know you complained to her about her punishment, but poor Charlie has every right to hate you for eternity, and you better take it. You have some serious groveling to do little brother, even if Bella has forgiven your sorry ass. I have not clue how or why she did it. You need to man up and face what YOU DID. Yes, Eddie, YOU brought this down on all of us; we have a part in it because we didn't stop you, but really how could we? The great and rational Edward Anthony Masen Cullen had made up his mind, had sound reasoning, and was moving on. Well, when you saw things were going to shit, you should have fixed it. You had your time to be angsty now it is O-V-E-R! Now you need to stop the emo bullshit once and for all and make things right. Oh, and if you ever pull a Houdini on any of us ever again, including Bella, I will hunt you down and make you pay for it, got it?" Emmett said with a protective growl coming from deep in his chest.

"I understand, I won't go 'emo' or 'pull a Houdini' ever again," I tried not to sound irritated, but it was difficult. He was right;I just hated when he called me Emoward, or emo. The sad thing was that he must say it a lot if Carlisle was catching on; he was never big on modern slang terms. I also hated the endearment Eddie; it was something I carried over from my human life. My mother always insisted my name was Edward, not Eddie as the other kids called me. By the time I was turned it was ingrained in me.

"You better not," Jasper solemnly added "because I'll help him. You saw what we did to James."

I felt a cold chill run down my back (not easy to do to a vampire) and I nodded; with that, we were done. Though my brothers were being harsh, both were concerned for the welfare of our family, Bella and myself. I hoped they would never have to, but I would be relying on them to help pull me back if I ever went down that road again.

I turned to go up to my room when I heard a certain pixie's voice in my head, _Now, you are going to talk to Rose, Edward. You cannot go up to your room because too many things will go unsaid. So, face it like a man. Please note that this is the second time in under a week that I have had to save you from yourself. And if you refuse I will call Bella and tell her the truth of your behavior since your return. I would BET that would not please her. What do you think?_

"I'm going to the garage to see Rose," I announced, so my brothers would know where I was and my sister would know I was complying with her wishes. I had no idea how much Esme hid from me at the airport, until now. It amazed me how much pain I caused her and she was shielding me from it. I was a worthless son. There wass another thing to add to the list, which then read:

Unworthy boyfriend-almost-fiancé

Disgrace of a son

Pitiful brother

Sorry excuse for a vampire

Undeserving of the love of anyone in my life

_I can feel your self-pity Emoward. No more of that! Man up, or I'll tell Emmett and we will whoop your ass, _Jasper's thoughts chastised me.

I reined it in.

There, under my Volvo, was Rose.

"What are you doing, Rose?" I asked, simply to be polite.

"I am giving this thing a tune up;I neglected it while you were… away. I want to make sure you have a safe vehicle that ran well," she said aloud.

_This is my way of showing you how sorry I am, for the call and the vote, you know how I feel. I don't hate her; I just think she needs to live a real life, the life I want. I know this doesn't make up for what I did but I am trying here, Edward, and that is hard for me okay? I know you can't or won't forgive me, but I'm trying. So just let it go, don't dwell on my being nice, okay?_

"I won't, Rose, thank you. I do forgive you. But can you forgive me? I left you, Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle to pick up the pieces I left behind. I cannot imagine living with either Esme or Alice was easy," I said as I sighed. This conversation was a lot easier than the ones I needed to have with Alice and Esme, but it was still like pulling teeth to get through.

_No, it wasn't easy. I couldn't stand to see Esme like that, Edward. She was so broken. It really hurt me to see her like that; she helped me a great deal after…the events that led up to my change. She and Emmett saved me, and I was witnessing them being eaten alive by fear and guilt. Alice spent half her time wallowing in the present, and the other half disheartened and disgusted with your future. She would not tell you this but she often witnessed you refusing to hunt, weakening and then that bitch Victoria would…it was horrible, for all of them and Emmett too. He might not have told you but he took it hard. He really sees Bella as his sister and you ripped her away. Then he had to deal with me being a bitch over it all, because I was pissed off that you were ruining everything for all of us. That is why I was so cold on the phone. I thought if you accepted her death, you would come back to us again and everyone would start to heal and move forward together. Instead, I made it all worse._

"What a pair we are, Rose, what a pair. I promise not to do it again, if you can try and be a little more kind to Bella?"

_Deal, _she thought from under the car. _Edward?_

"Yes"

_Has Bella truly forgiven you?_

"I don't know, Rose," I explained honestly.

_I'm going to give you some advice, as someone whose mate has made them furious over the years; I know it is the little gestures that count. Earn her love and trust again, and know that most certainly it will not happen over night. Look at how long it took Emmett to get me over what Royce did; he was patient, understanding and kind. You need to do that. Listen to her, Edward, and make it up to her_.

"Thank you, Rose, that means more than you know." And, with that, I returned to the house to try and find either Alice or Esme. I never thought Rose would be kind in her thoughts towards Bella or me and yet she seemed to understand better than I did. This was most unexpected. I knew this side of Rose would not stay out long and her guilt made her open up to me in this way; I was grateful to see a less self involved version of her no matter how fleeing the vision was.

_I'm upstairs in your room, Edward, waiting for you,_ my pixie sister thought. I prepared what I wanted to say as I ascended the stairs.

As I entered my room, Alice grabbed me into a hug and thought, _Oh Edward, that was beautiful, and I know your sorry,_

I smiled the first real smile I had since Bella's nocturnal confessions.

_And Edward? I love what you have planned for Bella. I cannot see if it works because those decisions haven't been made yet; but I think it'll work. Now, go speak to Esme. She has been debating about speaking to you about this, and then each time decides that she'll wait until you are ready. Oh, and know she plans on speaking to Bella at some point about all this. I won't tell you any more, because you should hear it from her and not from me._

I love how Alice understands me. If Rose had her gift, I knew she would still have forced me to say the words, but not Alice, she knew the emotional toll the conversation would have on me. As a result, she acted with mercy and tried to alleviate some of the emotional turmoil and stress I was already under due to my poor decisions, making skills.

"Alice," I said tentatively, though I knew that I didn't have to run through the entire speech; I knew there was one part I had to say out loud for both of our sakes.

"I'm sorry for discounting your opinion; you were right about Bella taking this hard and not being able to get over it as easily as I thought. I was an arrogant fool. I will never bet against you again, Alice, nor will I underestimate the bond between sisters," I confessed. I used the word purposely because that is how I knew they both viewed one another and I wanted Alice to know I acknowledged and accepted that. "I ripped your best friend and sister from your life, and I am so sorry, Alice, for everything."

"I know Edward, I accept. But understand you ripped my TWO best friends from me. I lost you both the day you left, and I would have moved heaven and earth to get both of you back. Jasper could have lost me forever, but I needed to fix things because without both of you in my life…well, soon I would have been lost to him forever too. That is how much I love both of you," she confessed.

I hugged her again.

_Now GO speak to Esme or you won't get you errand done, and then you'll be late for Bella and that will make her worry that you are not coming back, and you don't want to do that, Edward, trust me._

I nodded in agreement to her silent edict.

I walked out of my room and heard Esme in her bedroom. I knocked tentatively on the door.

AN: Do you see where it says review? Well write something, anything; I respond to it all I promise. Once again I will give you a teaser to those who review. A quick poll, should I start a thread for Amends on the Twilighted boards? If so should it be considered E or NM?

Love you all.


	4. Motherly Guilt

**Story title**: Amends

Twilighted: .?sid=12355

: .net/s/6155931/1/Amends

**Rating: **NC-17

**Genre:** NM Eclipse

**Story Summary:** A look at the time SM skipped over in between New Moon and Eclipse. How did Bella get back to her pre-zombie normal?

Bella tells Edward how much he hurt her; the only problem is she tells him this in her sleep. What will Edward do to regain her trust and make this right? How did they overcome the hurt and pain he caused? What effect does this have on the Cullen family? This is a strong Bella, who does eventually get angry with Edward and put him in his place.

**Chapter Summary:**

**CH 4 : Motherly guilt**

Edward deals with Esme

**Chapter Note: **

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

To my darling readers,

Let us start with the thank-you before we commence with the chapter. The love and support you showed me in your review was staggering. Some of them were so fantastic I was rendered speechless, and I hope you enjoyed my responses.

I want to thank my great validation beta Tima83. She is fantastic and get things posted so quickly (yes Tima, I'm laying it on thick you so I don't have stuff thrown at you lol). Oh and she is the one who keeps me safe from all flying objects and told us to play nice /

Okay, enough with the silliness, I have people to thank. First, my great validation beta Tima83. She is fantastic and get things posted so quickly (yes Tima, I'm laying it on thick you so I don't have stuff thrown at you lol). I also want to thank the good betas at Project Team Beta who add in all the commas I forget especially: PunkyBumpkin, OTD673 and souplover9 who labored on this chapter.

Ok now on with the next chapter.

**Ch 4 : Motherly Guilt**

**Esme POV**

"Come in," I called to Edward. I was just happy to have him in the house. I was so worried that Carlisle had been wrong and he was leaving again. Call it silly, I know I am not really his mother, but I have a mother's intuition all the same when it comes to my kids, and something was wrong with my "youngest".

When he entered my bedroom, I knew my eyes lit up. I closed the book I had been reading and gave him my full attention. I was so grateful he made this overture towards me. The last few days reminded me of the time directly after we left Forks, when he was no more than a ghost in the house.

"Esme," he said hesitantly. I gave a weak smile in response to him speaking to me and was trying to rein in my happiness.

"This may be stating the obvious but I came in here to talk to you because I want to apologize for everything I put you through. I had no idea. I was so self-involved that I completely ignored the extent of the pain my actions caused you. I am truly sorry. On top of that, I want to ask your forgiveness for my…inefficiency these last few days. I have been avoiding the family purposefully. I could not deal with the anger and resentment I felt I was owed. Yes, I did find a good heaping of it and rightfully so, but I underestimated the pain I caused," he paused as he winced.

He must have been reliving what Emmett and Jasper surely thought about. I heard Emmett's little speech, and though I did understand where it came from, well, I would not allow one of my kids to be threatened. And the language! No matter how hard I tried, Emmett still did not understand that I could hear him everywhere. Oh yes, Emmett and Jasper would both be getting a lecture form me. First, I had to deal with Edward, my first and youngest son. I had to be truthful because I knew just absolving him of his transgression was not what he needed.

Carlisle told me little about their conversation other than the fact that Edward was sorry, would be home soon, and was sure to speak to the family about what had transpired.

I decided that this conversation would be better served if I "spoke" to him silently though my thoughts. I heard Edward's conversation with the boys, and if they heard what I told him, they might be upset…whether at him or myself, I could not be sure.

_Edward, I want to start off by telling you that I love you and I understand. I want you to know I CANNOT lose another child. You ripped Bella away from me, but I could almost delude myself into believing your reasoning. When we were packing I pictured her older, coming back to visit Charlie, bringing her husband in tow. In my mind she had a successful career- for some reason she was professor. I could see the children she would have and love. The grandchildren she would adore. I imagined it in painstaking detail. Another nagging image kept creeping into my head- it was Bella alone. Charlie and Renee had died, she never married, and she never loved again. She was miserable._

If possible, he looked like he might be sick. He was the one that sold me on the first delusion, and I had tried to tell-or rather warn-him that he was all she wanted. It turned out my second thought, that one I never shared in detail or consciously thought about around him, was closer to the truth. The look on his face told me that he understood this now. I had to screw my courage to its sticking place and move on. He needed to hear all of this. I was his mother and because of the loved I had for my son, I him but would not sugar coat this conversation.

_Then, once we moved, you became so withdrawn, I felt that I was losing you as well but took comfort in the fact that you were still physically here with us. Though every day you became surlier, it broke my heart. I tried to reach out to you-we all did-but you simply didn't allow it. When you left, I was not certain anymore, and started asking myself tough questions that I didn't have answers to. Was I wrong to leave Forks? Was I wrong to listen to you and not go back to check on Bella? Didn't I owe her that? Should I have blocked you, begged and pleaded harder to make you stay? Unlike the others, I understood why you had to leave us, though I disagreed. You have been around happily mated pairs for decades, and you were okay with it because you didn't know what you were missing. After Bella, you knew. You understood, and not just in the cerebral way you think you understand the world because you can see into minds. Emotionally, you knew what the connection felt like, and severing it was horrible. However, seeing us and hearing us when were alone with our mates was like rubbing salt in the festering wound, wasn't it?_

He nodded.

_I would never have begrudged you leaving us if it weren't for the state you were in. Had this been pre-Bella and you were scholarly, solitary, strong Edward I have known for decades and you just could not take it anymore, I would have understood. You have always been the same boy since I met you. When Carlisle and I found each other, you were the odd man out, and it didn't seem to bother you; you were so self-sufficient. Then when Rose joined us, after your father thought you two might be a pair…_I let out a small chuckle, and he did too.

_You were still the same person even with her there; the two you didn't have anyone, and yet you were the same. You didn't seem to mind when Emmett came because you had a friend more your own age you could relate to. With the additions of Alice and Jasper, you seemed happier still. However, you were always…not standoffish, but self-contained. You were not one to share your emotions; you opinions yes, emotions no. If that boy had said 'I need to leave, I need to be on my own,' I would have understood. I don't even mean like your "rebellious period"; that was different. That was painful because I knew you would regret it later. If you had said 'I can't be the odd man out, all their happiness is hurting me' and left, I would have understood and never, NEVER been cross about it. But you grew up and blossomed when Bella was with you and when she…went away, you withered. I worried because I knew you were not self-sufficient anymore. You needed her, the way you never needed anyone else, and it scared me, Edward. It scared me to think of you all alone, hurting and fading away._

_Then you ignored me when you were in South America; those were the worst days. I needed to know how you were, old Edward would have called without prompting just to say hi, but you never called. Poor Alice gave me excruciating updates on your future. Then Bella jumped off that wretched cliff-I thought she was dead. Suddenly, I knew she was alive, and then I thought you might be dead, and then Alice and Bella went to save you. I could have lost three of my children, Edward! THREE! I have lost one and that was bad enough. Let me tell you, one never gets over the pain of losing a child that they love. And yes, the three of you are just as much my children as my biological son was. Edward, you were my first immortal child; even though you were older to this life, you were and still are a boy in so many ways._

He was sitting on the couch in the room; he looked like he might argue with me on that point but thought better of it as I moved from the edge of the bed to sit beside him. 

_I worry about you, but Bella has saved you and you need to step up, Edward. You need to realize how blessed you are; you have a family that loves you and will stand by you no matter how…imprudent you are. More than that, you also have Bella in your life, and she adores you. The changes in you when you left her… I don't think you saw them all. We couldn't even look at you without you screaming at us. Then you left without a word and you come back looking sickly. If I were not already dead, this would have killed me. Poor Jasper tried to calm me, but not even your father could soothe my soul. I cannot be happy unless my kids are. I have to deal everyday with Rose's issues; thankfully, I feel that she is coming to terms with everything finally, and as I have discussed with Carlisle, I feel it has to do with Bella. That remarkable girl is saving all my children in one way or another. So don't apologize for the past, Edward. I know you are remorseful and that is why you have put off this conversation for almost four days. But all I need from you now is a promise to embrace your life. I want you to enjoy your time with Bella. I want you two to be happy with each other, and that is the only thing that will make me happy again. So be free of this guilt and be happy, Edward. Move forward, and let the past be just that, the past. _

"You never cease to amaze me, Esme. I love you, Mom," he said while hugging me.

"Now go to Bella and make this right. I know she forgave you, but I have a feeling something is amiss. If you need to talk, need a woman's opinion on things, please never hesitate to ask me," I said aloud.

"Thanks Mom," he said and then embraced me again. Then Edward let go of me and moved towards the door to leave. "I still have some time before I am permitted to go and see her. I have something I have to do, so I'm going to go now, I'll see you later," he informed me.

"Oh, and Edward…never again. You have a phone- USE IT!" I said in a stern voice.

He turned back to look at me, nodded, and walked though the door out into the hallway. I followed him out and went to have a little discussion with my other sons.

**A/N**

Do you see where it says review? Well write something, anything; I respond to it all, I promise. TRUST ME! Once again, I will give you a teaser to those who review. Oh and if you spot the literary quote I allude to you get a shout out, just give me the playwright, the quote and the play…are you up to it?

Love you all.


	5. Flowers

**Rating: **NC-17

**Genre:** NM Eclipse

**Author's Chapter Note:**

Hello my lovelies,

I hope you enjoy this latest installment!

Before we get to it I must thank those that made this chapter possible:

First, I want to thank my great validation beta Tima83, simply put she rocks!

Secondly, I want to thank the good betas at Project Team Beta who made sense of this mess.

Thirdly the disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended

**Ch 5: Flowers**

**Edward POV**

After speaking to Esme, I went up to my room to figure out how to make Bella truly know that I loved her more than my own existence. I also wanted to convey that I would never be so … imprudent again. I hoped the advice I had been given by my family would work.

_What should my gesture be? I can't take her to that Italian restaurant where we had our first unofficial date. I don't have time to compose a new piece for her. Flowers? They would work on short notice. Maybe I could pick some with some special meaning, _I thought. I opened my laptop to do a little research before I embarked.

Despite knowing how Bella hated it when I spent money on her, I still had to go to the florist because the idea of picking fresh flowers in early spring, in Forks was laughable. Also, I couldn't think of anything else to do on such short notice, although I had run through thousands of possibilities.

As I approached the florist shop; I decided against the one in Forks, as nothing would spread faster than the gossip that would accompany my giving Bella flowers. I was sure gossip was spreading already about our return no need to add fuel to the proverbial fire. This was for her, and although I really didn't care what other people thought, Bella seemed to be greatly affected by the perceptions of others. So, I drove to Port Angeles. I wanted to pick these flowers out myself, as they were too important to order online or over the phone. Since I was alone, I arrived at my destination in record time. I did drive fast when Bella was with me, but I drove even faster when I was alone.

I entered the store, and a little chime jingled.

"Can I help you?" the woman behind the counter asked. She was in her forties and had a blond bob, her name tag said Isabella; I took this as a good sign.

"Yes, I need some flowers," I said.

_Wow, Edward, that was a little on the nose_.

_Shut up_, I argued with myself.

"You're in the right place," she said with a laugh.

_He must be nervous, poor thing. He looks about my son's age. He must be in trouble with his girlfriend. What a lucky girl! He is obviously repentant. I don't think it'll take much for her to forgive him; I mean look at him__he's stunning. Maybe he is a model_

I cleared my throat.

"I have a very specific list of flowers in mind. I don't want a usual arrangement," I told her firmly.

"Okay, I can do that, honey," Isabella said with motherly affection in her voice.

The warmth in her eyes reminded me of Esme. This woman sensed my trepidation and was helping me. I pulled out the list of floral meanings I printed off the Internet. I didn't need this preposterous list with my perfect vampire recall; however, it was the only way that made sense for a seventeen-year-old boy to know so much about flowers.

"I need a little info before we start. Who are these for and for what occasion?" she inquired professionally, though her tone was laced with kindness.

"Well, my girlfriend. She recently took me back after I made a huge mistake and broke up with her. She says she forgives me, but I want to show her how much I love her and what she means to me. I have this list of flower meanings, so maybe we can work from there?" I was trying to, quote unquote; dazzle her, as Bella would say.

"How sweet. So tell me what you would like, and I'll make sure it all goes together," she reassured me.

"Ok, so, here is what I think I require: apple blossom for promise, pink carnations for gratitude, freesia because they are special to us, lilac for first love, and white tulips for forgiveness," I explained to the florist.

"That is very sweet, young man, but we don't have lilacs. How about daisies? They represent innocence and love. We can do classic white for love, and then Gerbera in a lilac color and a few in pale pink for gratitude to pull it all together? And we can leave out the carnations; some people don't really like them any more, thinking they are just a filler flower. What about including some roses?"

I thought of my sister, Rosalie, and nearly screamed _no_.

"No roses. I don't think she would appreciate them. I do think both the regular and Gerbera daisies are a wonderful addition instead the lilacs. " I laughed silently to myself. Bella was afraid of Rose, and I didn't want her thinking of my sister when I gave her these flowers. I knew I had forgiven Rose, and Bella said she did, but she said that about me as well.

"Ok, so how do you want them arranged?" In her mind, I saw the various options before me: wrapped in paper, placed in a box, or arranged in a vase.

"A bouquet." I then realized I didn't know if Charlie had a big vase, so I added, "No, in a vase, please. Clear glass, tall, with baby's breath and some ferns to fill it out." I knew what I wanted.

"Done. Now, when and where do you want them delivered?" she asked with a smile.

"I need them delivered today. I'll pay extra for the rushed arrangement and the delivery. Money is not a problem," I added when she looked skeptically at me.

"Ok, would you like to write out a card while I put this together? Then you can get a look at them before we send them out; is that okay?" she asked.

"Perfect," I replied.

"I'll be right back, son." She gave me a warm smile.

I grabbed a plain, white card made of a heavy, crisp cardstock. I wrote Bella's name on the front of the envelope; I then opened the card and wrote down what I had composed in the car. I adjusted the note slightly to reflect the changes in the bouquet.

I wondered for a moment why Alice had not called me to interject her opinion on my flowers; she did this anytime anyone of us shopped without her. Then my phone rang, and I rolled my eyes.

_Wow, she is predictable, _I thought.

"Hello, Alice," I said reflexively and in my I-love-to-irritate-the-little-pixie-known-as-Alice-voice.

"Alice? Edward, it's Bella"

I groaned_. The one time I do not look at the caller ID. This does not bode well for me. _

_Another mistake to add the list, Eddie! And fuck, she sounds annoyed, Eddie! _ Why my inner voice, which judged me mercilessly, suddenly sounded like Emmett, I had no clue.

"Hi love, I'm so sorry." _That's all I seem to be able to say to her these days. I am _such_ a_ _fool. _Had I not learned my lesson?_ Think before you act, Edward! _I began thinking that if I could, I should tattoo the phrase on my inner wrist as a reminder. Instead, I only had a vampire memory with perfect recall. Unfortunately, that perfect memory did not seem to ensure I would learn my lesson.

"Why would Alice be calling you? What's wrong? Is it Victoria? Are you alright?" She was concerned, of course. Victoria was still hell-bent on revenge and I sounded anxious and guilty.

_Way to go, Eddie_. This time the voice sounded like Jasper.

I was about to say 'Don't fret, my pet' but then I remembered that she had, on more than one occasion, been referred to as the Cullen family pet.

_Maybe there is hope after all for your sorry virgin ass, Eddie_. My inner-Emmett again mocked me.

"Don't worry, Bella. Nothing is wrong, love. I am just getting something for Esme. I thought Alice would call to interject her opinions about my choices since I had just made them," I told her.

_Oh, there was another lie. I thought I vowed to myself I wouldn't lie to her again? _Then it hit me. _I should send flowers to Esme- she loves them so. If I did, then I would not have lied outright to Bella,_ I mused.

"Oh, what are you getting her? And why?" Her tone turned curious, but there was still concern woven in it.

"I thought a little token to apologize would be in line afterthe way I have acted," I said sheepishly.

"Oh, Edward, you're so sweet. I'm sure she'll love whatever it is, since she loves you." Bella was so genuine and loving, it came through even in this brief exchange.

"I'm counting on it. So what do you need, love?" I was worried about the time of her call; however, if something were truly wrong Alice would have called me already.

"Oh, right. I'm calling because I wanted to let you know Charlie is getting pizza for us for dinner tonight. He said he wants us to spend some time together. Apparently even though he is mad at me, he is happy to have me back, and doesn't want me to cook. I told him it wasn't necessary, but really I think it's a ploy to eat up the hours you are allowed your usual visiting hours as he wants to have a 'chat' with me," she said with a groan. I could imagine exactly how she was standing in the kitchen, with her arms crossed and her brow furrowed, a scowl on her face.

"That's fine, love. May I come over before or after dinner?" I had planned on going over as soon as I was done here, then ducking out and returning after Charlie came home so he would see I was adhering to his rules.

"If you come around seven, it should be okay," she said nervously.

_Was she afraid of my disapproval? What a number I did on the one I supposedly loved and adored. I'm a miserable excuse for a person- vampire- whatever it is I am. _Sadly that thought was all mine; gone were my brothers' voices. Mine was so cold and cruel.

"I'll see you then. Have you spoken to your mother yet?" I asked. If I could not see her, I would keep her on the phone as long as I could. Just hearing her voice made everything almost better. When we had a normal interaction like this, it was as if nothing had happened, if I had not been gone for months and neatly gotten her killed…_again_! She also would not have had these issues with her parents had it not been for me. I deserved my penance with my parental figures; Bella did not. Her only crime ever had been, and continued to be, loving the wrong person, i.e. me.

"I'm calling her now. Charlie just called me from the station about dinner, and I wanted to tell you. Rene's e-mail said she was going to be home this afternoon our time. She wants a block of time carved out to deal with this. I guess I have to face the music now," she said again with a groan. I could tell she was fidgeting, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, as she grew more annoyed.

"I can always come over for moral support? Or just deal with it for you?" I offered, yet again. I told her she didn't do anything wrong, and that I would take all the blame. Bella on the other hand, believed that she should deal with this as an adult. She didn't want them to hate me, as soon enough in her mind, she would be leaving them. Though she had not worked out a cover story for her change, or a time line as we were still arguing about that, she knew she wanted them to know she had been happy with me before whatever lie she chose.

"I know you would, but I need to do this. These are my choices, and she needs to understand my rationale," she said firmly.

"Okay, love, but if you change your mind I could be over very quickly," I reassured her.

"I know," was all the answer I received.

"I love you," I said.

"Me too," she said, before hanging up.

I turned towards Isabella behind the counter and asked, "Can they be delivered by 7 pm?" I looked at the clock it was now two P.M.

"Yes they can, but it will be very expensive," she looked worried that I would be fazed by the price of the flowers.

"Cost is not an issue," I repeated, and looked her pointedly in the eye.

I returned to writing my note. Once I was done, I thought about actually ordering flowers for all the women in my life.

"Could I please order three more bouquets? " I asked.

"All like this one?" She eyed me skeptically, and the word _player_ crossed her mind.

"No. One is for my mother and the others are for my sisters. I have a lot to atone for," I said, the sincerity evident in my voice.

Again she was struck by my generosity.

"I will leave them to your discretion, but for my mother I would like day lilies to be featured, as they represent mothers, according to my list. And for my sisters I would like one to be pink and white roses with some brightly colored Gerbera daisies and the other to be all red roses. Bouquets this time, please," I informed her.

Then I grabbed some cards that were much smaller and scribbled down a few words.

I handed over my black credit card and arranged for Esme, Rose and Alice's flowers to be sent to our home. Bella's flowers were being delivered to Charlie's house, of course.

As I walked out I thought, _I hope this works!_

**A/N**

So what did you think? Will she be angry with him over the flowers? Tell me what you think.

None of you found the quote last time, lets see if you all can find the _Sex in the City _quote. First one to find it gets a shout out!

Remember I love hearing from you, whether it a review or constructive criticism I love it all! Once again, I will give you a teaser to those who review

Love you all.


	6. Reckoning

**Chapter Note: **

Hey all,

This chapter is ALL BELLA! I hope you like it.

We must thank the hard working PTB beta's so made sense of this mess.

I want to thank my Twilighted Validation Beta Tima83 for many things like protecting me from flying objects, helping me when I'm stuck and validates über fast!

Now, on to the two contests I held over the previous chapters in an attempt to get more of you to reviews .

So **boulderpa,** pointed out I didn't share the answer it to the chapter four question "if you spot the literary quote I allude to you get a shout out, just give me the playwright, the quote and the play…are you up to it?" The answer was Act 1 sc vii of _Macbeth_, Lady Macbeth says "But screw your courage to the sticking-place" one of my favorite quotes ever. I mention **boulderpa**, because she pointed out the Shakespeare's line is quoted in _Beauty and the Beast_ by Gaston, and I love her so much I'm giving her credit for making me smile with her answer!

Now on to our big winner for chapter five game of "find the Sex in the City quote" was **sareniity**! WOOOHOOO **sareniity**! It was that carnations were called "filler flowers" Carrie/Charlotte/Berger were discussing what a man has to do to turn a woman off when meeting her. Charlotte thinks bringing her carnations will do that they are "filler flowers" Carrie thought they were making a comeback…I agreed with Charlotte obviously LOL.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Ch 6: Reckoning **

**Bella POV**

I sighed after I ended my conversation with Edward.

My Edward. I could not believe he was back, and he loved me.

Now, all I had to do was deal with my parents. I know Charlie had already spoken to Renee, but I hadn't. I'd been able to avoid this for days, but today I would face my mother. I told Edward not to come over today, because I didn't want him to hear the things that Renee would likely say knowing how Charlie felt was bad enough.

Charlie was kind enough to see the state I was in when I returned home. He simply kept to the excuse he had given which was that I was sick. I thought he also wanted to keep me away from Edward. If I were at school, I would be able to see him unsupervised. I realized that my musings were just putting off the inevitable, so I picked up the phone and dialed Renee's number.

It rang once, twice, and on the third ring she picked up.

"Hello," Renee chirped.

"Hi Mom," I said tentatively.

"Hi Bella. How are you?" She now sounded guarded.

I knew this voice. This was the voice Renee used when she attempted to act like an authority figure and parent. Before Edward left I had only heard this voice once. It was when I was ten years old or so, and she had taken a parenting course at my school that told them to be firm and stand their ground. Needless to say, it lasted two days. Since Edward left, I had heard this tone a lot, especially when they tried to take me away to Jacksonville.

"I'm good Mom, you?" I tried to sound as if I didn't have a care in the world, but in reality, I was a wreck. I currently had a sadistic vampire after me who was hell bent on revenge, the vamp mob coming to check on me, the La Push Pack would be breathing down our necks soon enough, Charlie was furious, and I was pretty sure Jake hated me now. But I could handle all this because of Edward; he was back, and I was thrilled.

"Well, I'm happy you seem so…upbeat. But, Honey, I'm afraid for you. You're not acting like yourself Bella," she said. Her tone was overly cautious. It was as if she thought I was unstable, which might have been an apt description for my behavior the past few months, but it was no longer true.

"What do you mean, Mom?" I asked.

My inner teenager, the one who threatened Charlie and was ready to act out if necessary, felt her back was up against the wall and reared her ugly head. I tried desperately to keep that side of my personality under lock and key.

"Don't get defensive, Bella, Baby, but listen to the facts. One, your father told me you went cliff diving, which is so unlike you, I worry it was a suicide attempt. Two, your friend Alice whisks you away for days, and you only leave your father a note, which was very vague. It scared us half to death, which is not the responsible girl I know and love. Three, you ran off with Alice, because of some emergency that Edward had. The same Edward you should not be concerning yourself with considering he completely abandoned you, and so did Alice for that matter. Four, when you return you announce that the Cullens have returned to Forks permanently and you have taken Edward back. I don't think that is in line with my reasonable and responsible daughter. Five, you tell Charlie if he does not allow you to see Edward you will move out. And-"

I cut her off before she could further enumerate any more of my perceived sins. "Mom, you don't understand-"

"Then start explaining, Bella. I'm listening," she interrupted. Renee sounded like she was softening.

"Okay. First, the cliff diving, that was just for recreation purposes. Kids at La Push do it all the time. I should have waited for Jacob. You remember Dad's friend Billy Black? His son, Jake, we were to go together, but he had some stuff to do, and I was bored," I explained.

I was glossing over quite a bit, and I was so happy to be so far away from my mom at this point in time. Seeing as she raised me, she could read me better than anyone. I once told Edward, she called me her open book. The fact that this was taking place over the phone proved to me there was a God, because I didn't want to put my either my human or vampire family in more danger with the Volturi.

"So, you were not trying to hurt yourself? You had not given up?" She was worried. I could hear it in her voice.

"No, Mom, I never did." This was untrue, but it would allay her fears, so I said it. No, the cliff episode was not a suicide attempt, but when I was in the water, the thought of giving up seemed so easy and tempting. Jake pulled me back against my will, and I was grateful to him…now. I felt badly about how I discarded Jake, but Edward needed me, and he was where my heart was. I loved Edward, and though it might be horribly co-dependent, I needed him in order to survive.

_Wow, when did I become this girl? I guess when I learned that mythological creatures live among us, there really are soul mates, and that true love can be forever. _

"Mom, I don't know what Charlie told you, but Edward left because Dr. Cullen was offered a great job in Los Angeles. Edward told me." I paused, took a deep breath, and shifted my position so I leaned against the kitchen wall. "He left the way he did because he felt bad making me put my life on hold for him. He saw it as me having to give up so many of my life experiences for him. He only wanted me to be free. He knew if he were honest with me, I would have convinced him to do the long distance thing. He left loving me, and he didn't fare well during our separation either. It was difficult for both of us. Alice came back, because she could not bear to be away from me any longer. She loved and missed me, too. Edward asked her and the rest of them to leave me alone, because he wanted me to move on. He knew he wouldn't move on and feared he loved me more than I loved him, and he didn't want me to feel obligated to him. If his siblings were still in my life, I may not have let go of him so easily. The reason I left, was because when Alice checked in with her family, she was telling their other sister, Rosalie, how I was and mentioned the cliff diving. Well, there was a misunderstanding, and Edward jumped to the same conclusions you did. I went out there to stop him from doing something rash," I explained, trying to stay as close to the truth as I could.

_Oh, God, did that sounded too much like the truth?_ I thought.

I was afraid she would think we were both mentally unstable. "Like runaway," I covered quickly. I_t was bad enough if one of us was alleged of being suicidal; no need for it to be both of us._

"Even though I thought he didn't love me anymore, I still loved him too much to see him do something foolish that would hurt himself or his family. So in the end, we both made mistakes, but it was out of love for one another. I hope you can understand," I finished. Then I prayed that she had given up on being a parent for today and would be my understanding, flighty, and loveable Renee.

"Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I understand. People will go to any extent to save the ones they love," she said right on cue.

_Little did she know what I would do for those I loved. At least we knew where I got it now_. I chuckled mentally.

"But Honey, why did you take him back so easily? You should be angry, Baby. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong, and maybe he needs to eat a little humble pie. He shouldn't be making decisions, for the pair of you like that." She was now slipping from "mother mode" into a more familiar role for us, which was "gossipy friend".

"There is no need for that, Mom. I love him, and now that everything is out in the open, I won't let anything stand in the way of our happiness. I have him back, and I don't want to let go. I won't waste what precious time we have." _Left while I am human,_ I added mentally. "I won't waste it fighting and making him beg and doing things that will just hurt us both. I think moving on and just being there for one another will rebuild the trust between us and allow us to see where things go," I explained.

I tried to keep it light, like when I told her Edward was just a crush. I didn't want her to think that I was willing to run off and marry him. Well if he had his way I would. But I wanted my parents to see that we were good together, that Edward was great person, and that I was happy before I was out of their lives forever. That was one of the reasons I accepted the graduation timeline; I thought it worked well, giving us enough time for my parents to see. I just wanted them to get closure and not worry about me anymore.

"Honey, that is so romantic," she cooed. "It's like that line from that movie 'love means never having to say you're sorry.'"

"It is, Mom. It really is." I knew I had her when she added the quote from her favorite move _A Love Story_; she adored sappy movies.

"I trust you, Bella. You have always been wise beyond your years. I mean, you'll be going off to college soon, and who knows what will happen then. So just keep things light, Honey, okay? I don't want to see you hurting again," she half-heartedly said, more out of obligation to Charlie than actually meaning it.

"Thank you. I won't be in that situation again." I left my answer vague. She would assume what she wanted to, which her being Renee, probably meant that Edward and I would be parting at graduation or going to separate schools, whereas I meant we would be together for eternity, and I would never have to live without him again, literally.

My conversation with Renee had been long, very long. She kept me on the phone for nearly two hours. I hated talking that much, but I missed her. She was my best friend, before Alice and Jake, and I loved chatting with her. However, I was not one to open up easily, and this conversation was all about me, much to my dismay. After grilling me on Edward and the three days I was in "L.A.", she moved on to my sex life, school, colleges I would apply to, etc…

Finally, one and a half hours into the grand inquisition, I managed to deflect attention from myself and ask about her life. Apparently, Phil's team was doing well, and she was substitute teaching and loving the school. She was offered a permanent position but dismissed it so she could travel. She had gone to a pottery class but only twice before she decided she hated it. She told me she had recently joined a book club. Basically, my mom was her usual flighty self and was still enamored, in love, and happy with Phil.

Once I had managed to calm my mother, I decided to do some homework that Charlie arranged for me to get. Little did he know, Alice had given me the assignments I had been missing already. I needed something to distract me from the little bit of sadness and panic that I felt when Edward was not with me. If I called, I knew he would come, but we decided to try and abide by Charlie's wishes. I had dinner with Charlie tonight, and he wanted to spend time together, and I didn't want to worry about it. Quite frankly, I was sick and tired of dealing with my life and just wanted to start living in the moment not an easy thing for me as I am just slightly less neurotic than my vampire better half. He might be the one person who can overthink things more than I do.

Before I started working on my school assignments, I looked at my completed photo album. I came to only one conclusion: pictures could capture Edward's appearance, but they could never do him justice. After looking over the pictures again, I got to work. I figured I could easily pass the little amount of time I had to myself.

**AN**

So what did you think? Did Bella handle Renee well? What did you think of Renee's attempt to be parental?  
Remember I love hearing from you, whether it a review or constructive criticism I love it all! Once again, I will give you a teaser to those who review… that right I bribe you and I'm proud of it! LOL.

No game this time ladies, but if you want I'll host one next time! Let me know!

Love you all, and thank you for taking the time to read this little pastime of mine!


	7. Deliveries

**Chapter Note: **

Greetings everybody,

First, I need to thank Owenic, who on the January forum, helped me solve a little problem. She helped me explain why Edward would send Rose red roses when Royce had done so in her human life. One of my readers pointed this out and I was trying to correct this error. I have to thank her for always giving me great advice. If you have not read January then you must be under a rock, because the story is AMAZING! Not to mention we have a lot of fun on the forum. So thanks, Nic!

Secondly, my Twilighted beta, Tim83, thank you for validating the last chapter so quickly. *hint, hint* J

Last but not least the PTB beta's who worked tirelessly on this chapter! They never cease to amaze me, thank you.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended

**Ch 7: Deliveries**

**Edward POV**

By three o'clock, I was done at the florist and couldn't see Bella until seven. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I was worried she would be mad at me for spending money on her; then concluded that she would understand that I was making up for lost time. My defense would be that we missed Christmas together because of me, and surely she would have allowed me to get her a Christmas present because they are fairly traditional. It was a flimsy excuse and I knew it. I was not proud of myself, but I resolved to dazzle her if need be.

I left the little store, returned to the Volvo and headed back to Forks.

It was now four, and I went up to my room to listen to music. After what felt like an eternity—but in reality was only a half hour or so —Carlisle answered the ringing doorbell.

I descended the steps; I wanted to see firsthand if my mother and sisters liked the flowers.

"Esme, Alice, Rose, there is delivery here for you," he called, as he signed for the delivery. As he reached for his wallet the deliveryman told him that the tip had been pre-arranged.

Alice entered the room with a knowing look on her face but said nothing.

Carlisle handed Esme a flower box, and then Alice and Rose theirs in turn.

"Carl, you shouldn't have," Esme cooed as she opened the box. _What a lovely surprise,_ she thought.

"I didn't-I mean they are not from me," he stumbled over his words.

As he said that, Esme opened the card and read:

Dearest Esme,

Thank you for your understanding nature and the unconditional love you show me.

I am not worthy to be your son; however, I promise I am working on it.

~ Edward

"Edward, son, you didn't have to do this. Thank you,_"_ she said.

She then embraced me and handed the card to Carlisle.

"That was very thoughtful," Carlisle added. "I'm going to go and get a vase for these." With that, he left the foyer.

"You might want to get three," I added.

Rose then opened her box and she decided to read her note aloud.

Dear Rose,

We both have made mistakes. I want to apologize for leaving you to pick up the pieces. I know that roses bring back painful memories of your human life; however, Royce cannot taint what these flowers represent: beauty, elegance and grace, which are many of your strengths. So much like our relationship, I hope you can give these flowers a second chance, because of how much you once loved them.

Here is to a fresh start,

~ Edward

"Thank you, Edward, they are lovely and red roses _were_ my favorite," she said sincerely.

"I know, Rose," I answered.

We gave one another a quick and terse hug—we were not huggers. With that simple gesture, I thought Esme was going to burst with happiness. I, on the other hand, was looking for another sign of the apocalypse.

Alice then opened her box and said, "Edward, they are even lovelier in person."

Then she humored me by opening the card and reading it.

Dearest Alice,

Thank you for giving me a second chance at life, love, and happiness with Bella; you amaze me. I will owe you for the rest of my existence. No one could ever ask for a better sister than you, Alice. This is the one time I am quite pleased that you did not listen to me or accept no for an answer. You never gave up on Bella and I for this ,and for continuing to love me despite everything, I thank you.

The immortal bard was much more eloquent than I could ever hope to be:

"Can no other answer make but thanks,

And thanks; and ever thanks." [III. iii Twelfth Night]

~ Edward

Alice pulled me into a hug that was warm and long.

She said silently to me, _I'm sorry I cannot see enough to help you, but Bella isn't thinking these things consciously. I think she'll like the flowers, but the future keeps changing. I don't know why. She is going between happy that you sent the flowers, and then the she's angry, and sad. It seems she can't make up her mind, Edward. _

Now it was my turn to speak as Carlisle returned with the vases.

"I just wanted each of you to understand how truly sorry I am. I know how my actions affected each of you and I cannot express my gratitude that you have welcomed me back once again." I looked pointedly at my parents; they remembered my "rebellious period".

"I know I'm not the easiest person to live with-" I was interrupted when Emmett made a scoffing sound from the den. I ignored my boisterous brother and continued with my impromptu speech, "but I want to make amends, and these flowers are but a mere token of my gratitude for your love."

There were murmurs of "it was not necessary", "thank you" and another round of hugs; with that they all began to disperse. There was even a "kiss ass" from Emmett, though it was only for show. His thoughts revealed that he was happy I was taking responsibility for my actions and even happier that I held out an olive branch to Rose. As I went upstairs to listen to music and work on my plan to make Bella trust me, I heard Jasper's thoughts: _ Don't despair, Edward, the course of true love never did run smooth. I bet she'll love them._

I then went back to my task and counted the seconds until I could be with my love, the reason for my existence.

**Bella's POV**

I kept glancing at the clock but it never seemed to move and because Charlie wanted to chat, Edward was not here. I saw through his ruse, what Charlie was really saying is "I don't want Edward Cullen in my home, or in my daughter's life so I am going to cut into his time in a way my daughter will not hate me for and force her to move out."

My homework, which I had neglected in the first few days since I was back, was now completed. Charlie agreed to let me have a few days off to recoup before I had to face high school again, under the pretense of being sick so that the town didn't gossip about his "runaway daughter."

Edward was not permitted to come over unless it was during designated visiting hours. Alice on the other hand could come and go as she pleased. I was happy to see her, but it was cold comfort when I was missing Edward…wow bad pun, Bella.

So yeah, I was a little bitter towards Charlie. I loved him and wanted to spend time with him, but like I said before, I would move out if he wanted me to. I assumed that tonight he was going to ask me to stay and accept the fact that Edward and I were a package deal.

Just then there was a knock on the door, and my heart started beating faster. Was it Edward? I had told him not to come. Charlie had wanted us to "spend time together." That meant watching sports; I only lasted thirty minutes before making excuses to leave.

I went to the door and was met with a delivery person. He was holding something covered in floral paper, that I assume that it was flowers.

"Delivery for a Miss Isabella Swan," the delivery guy announced.

"That's me," I said perplexed.

He held out a clipboard and I signed my name.

"Wait a moment please," I said to the man, as I was about to go and get my purse for a tip.

"Miss, no tip is necessary. It was prearranged," he informed me.

_Figures that the tip was prearranged and I bet it was very generous, too. Edward always was a very generous tipper._

"Okay. Thanks, have a good day," I replied and closed the door. I went into the kitchen to open the flowers.

Once in the kitchen I was met with Charlie, getting a drink from the fridge. It was one of the few times he moved since coming home early at four thirty.

_Apparently the fact that I was a flight risk made me untrustworthy. _

_Or maybe he loves you, and you scared the life out of him by taking off during his friend's funeral,_ a little voice in my head piped up, as my thoughts warred with one another. It was so easy to become annoyed with everyone in my life.

"So, Bells, what is that?" He seemed genuinely happy as if he knew something I didn't.

"I'm just about to find out." I took the card off and unwrapped the paper. Normally I'm a card first girl, but flowers need to breathe. They were gorgeous; all different types of flowers in hues of white, pink and lilac.

"Wow, Bells, they're really nice. Who are they from?" Again, excitement was in his eyes.

All I had to do was look at the card and my suspicions were confirmed. On the envelope was the everyday calligraphy of one Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

"Edward, of course," I replied automatically, not even bothering to mask the love and adoration in my voice.

Then he grumbled out of the room muttering something like, "Of course he sends her flowers now! Thought they might be from Jake even though it is a big arrangement and probably cost a small fortune."

The flowers didn't need tending to as they were already in a vase, to so I brought them upstairs to my room and placed them on the desk. I was unsure how I felt about the flowers. They were glorious; however, I hated having him spend money on me. I sat on my bed and carefully opened the envelope. Which upon opening it, it had a fairly long message inscribed on the page.

To Bella, my one and only love,

These flowers are a meager token of my undying love and appreciation for you. They are not the standard flowers of a man who is trying to make amends. You are the woman I love, and no matter how or why you forgave me, I want you to know I will be grateful to you for the rest of eternity. I will find a way to thank you everyday of forever for giving me another chance. I know you hate it when I try to give you gifts; however, I hope I can explain my floral choices in this note and you will accept this gesture. The daisies represent love; I chose the color white for innocence and purity, which epitomize you, as you are everything good in this world—in my world. The pink is for gratitude, as I will be eternally grateful for having even one chance, let alone two. The lilac was chosen because it represents first love, because you are my first and only love. I selected the freesia, as it is part of your intoxicating scent. White tulips are a symbol of forgiveness, because you found it in your heart to give me a second chance, which I do not deserve, Apple Blossoms represent promise; my promise to you is to never leave you again, unless you send me away.

I hope when you look at these you will have an idea of all the different aspects of my life I am grateful for and what you mean to me. Please know that I understand the road before us will not always be a smooth one, but I promise to love and cherish you no matter what life brings our way. I also promise that I will do whatever needs to be done to fix us. You are my life, Bella, and I will never forget that nor will I leave you again.

Eternally yours,

Edward

I cried. He shouldn't have wasted money on the flowers, but I loved them and the card. I was sure that after I was changed, no matter how long I existed, this card and probably some of the flowers, would travel with Edward and me-wherever we ended up.

I read and re-read the card a dozen times, and try as I might to hold onto the frustration I always felt when he spent money on me, I couldn't hold on to any longer.

_You're always so willing to forgive him, why do you do that?_

_It's who I am. I don't hold on to anger or irritation well._

_You know you have a right to be angry with him, right? And not just about the flowers? Renee had a point; maybe you should be angry with Edward for all he put you through._ My inner thoughts warred; I took a deep breath and dismissed the thought. That was not how I was choosing to live. He was here and I was happy; that was all there was to it.

My concentration was broken when Charlie called my name.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Pizza will be here in 10 minutes. Come down." It was not a question and I complied.

We didn't speak at first. I couldn't eat because I was overwhelmed by my emotions. I couldn't wait until Edward came by tonight. I wanted to thank him; I would not be able to do that in front of my dad—that would have to wait until he was sleeping. Nor could I wait for Charlie to give me his decision. I dreaded it because I did not want to force his hand. I had put him through so much already, but I would leave if that was what needed to be done to be with Edward.

"Bella," he began. I nodded.

"I've given this a lot of thought. I don't like Edward and I believe he is bad for you in every way. All I want is to protect you, Bella; I'm doing this for your own good. When he left, you were devastated," he elaborated.

My anger rose, I also could not help but feel pity for my dad. I had caused him so much pain. I made him worry and I hated myself for that.

"I don't want you to leave, so I guess I'll have to live with it. You are right about one thing. I do have the right to ground you, and that is what I am doing. The visitation hours stand," he paused, "indefinitely."

"That seems reasonable," I replied; his shocked expression told me everything I needed to know.

"Are you shocked that I took it so well? You thought I might leave? That's why you bought dinner? It was to show me this is all for me, you love me and you are protecting me?" He nodded.

I was not happy about being punished, but I figured I deserved it. It was a worthy penance for saving Edward from his own misguided sense of honor.

"I love you, too, Dad, and I won't leave," I assured him.

That was our "big conversation" as Charlie had never been much of a talker. Now I had thirty minutes before Edward would arrive. I took the chance to go up to my room, select one of each blossom and press them using the ruined stereo from my birthday as a weight; it was just so much heavier than a book.

With time moving at a snail's pace, I decided to sit and read.

**AN**

Before we start the citation is in [] to let you know Edward didn't add that in the note to Alice, it was just because does not allow footnotes and I hate endnotes and post the same story to both sites. Just wanted to make that clear.

Thoughts? What did you think of the Cullen women and their reaction to the flowers? How do you feel about Charlie? What did you think of Edward's letters? What do you think Bella will do when he arrives?

Oh, we have a contest it think I made it VERY easy this time. Let's see how you do.

Remember I love hearing from you, whether it's a review or constructive criticism I love it all! Once again, I will give you a teaser to those who review… that's right I bribe you and I'm proud of it! LOL.

Love you all, and thank you for taking the time to read this little pastime of mine!


	8. Facing The Flowers

**Ch 8: Facing the Flowers**

**Chapter Note: **

Hello again,

Our contest winner was janefanatic on who knew that the quote "the course of true love never did run smooth" was from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream

I would be remiss if I neglected to thank my Twilighted beta Tim83. Thank you for validating very chapter so quickly.

Last but not least the PTB beta's who worked tirelessly on this chapter! They never cease to amaze me, thank you.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended

**Ch 8 Edward Faces the Flowers **

**Edward POV**

I stood on the precipice of the doorstep, waiting to knock at the door.

_Would she love or hate the flowers? That is the question_.

Before I left Alice was translating _The Parliament of Fowles_ into French, which was not a good sign. Why was my dear sister keeping me out of her head? It was probably out of loyalty to Bella. She felt she wronged her best friend by not only leaving, but also putting her in danger in Volterra to save me. If Bella wanted to get angry with me Alice was going to let me have it, without any warning. She might have forgiven me, but that did not mean she would side with me anytime soon on anything that went against Bella's wishes

After the longest thirty seconds, in the history of the world, I knocked on the door.

I heard Bella's footsteps approaching.

Charlie grumbling, and his mental monologue was for once quite loud; _I don't want you in my house! Leave! Yeah, leave, since you're so good at it!_ Clearly, Charlie was fuming, and I realized I might have burned that bridge.

My angel opened the door.

"Good evening, love," I said quietly, so only she could hear, and braced myself.

"Hey Edward," she reached out and hugged me, "Come in."

I entered the house and noticed Charlie sitting in his chair, watching some sporting event. I didn't pay any attention to what it was as I had more pressing things to worry about.

"Good evening, Chief Swan." I was trying my best to be the dutiful boyfriend I was before I broke his daughter's heart and 'caused her to runaway… twice.

Charlie merely nodded in reply and thought _I hate that fake polite act! Don't pretend to be a gentleman _now_. Gentlemen don't leave girls broken and alone in the woods, in the rain!_

_Yeah, that is going to take some time_, I thought.

Bella led me into the kitchen, where we sat at the table. It was extremely painful not to be able to pull her into my arms; I couldn't do that knowing Charlie hated me so much, and what Bella had to do to get me 'official' visitation hours.

"So, love, did you receive my flowers?" I blurted out; the suspense was eating away at me.

"Edward," she paused, and I started forming my apology in my head "they were lovely, but far too much. I hate it when you spend money on me. I forgave you, there is nothing else that needed to be said."

That was my Bella, selfless to a fault. She just didn't want to make me feel bad.

I let it go; this was not a discussion to have in front of her father.

"You're very welcome, it was just a little reminder of my love."

She reached for my hand under the table. "I know you love me. You tell me all the time, you even asked me to marry you. I don't doubt you, Edward," she whispered. Her words were both a salve to the wounds of the last few nights, but also it was like she was purposely torturing me.

"How was dinner?" I asked.

"Well, Charlie has grounded me until the end of time. Also, the visitation hours stand. I get to go to the grocery store, work and school, that's it. It sucks, but after what happened to Harry, I don't want to leave him alone, not yet. I'll take the punishment as along as I get to spend time with you," she informed me, tapping her index finger on my nose, when she said "you", it warmed my cold, dead heart.

We spent the rest of the visitation hours together, just talking about nothing in particular. This was something I loved doing; it was the essence of us, it reminded me of time spent in our meadow'. When her grounding was over, I would have to take her there.

Realizing the time, I decided I should leave before I was asked to go.

"Bella, it is getting late and my parents have put restrictions on me as well, so I had best be going." I smiled her favorite crooked grin at her, to let her know Charlie was listening.

"I'll walk you out," she replied.

"Goodnight," I said loudly, then on her front step, I ever so quickly kissed Bella goodbye and whispered, "I'll be upstairs shortly love, and there are some things I think we need to discuss..." I paused, "In private.".

**Bella POV**

I closed the door, and panic started to rise in my chest. What could we have to discuss? No-one in a relationship, especially if they have forgiven their significant other for abandoning them, ever wants to hear that. The little voice in my head, the one that kept telling me all the caresses, and kisses on the trip back to Forks were a lie, was screaming that he was leaving again. I couldn't survive that. I would literally die.

_Which is what would happen if he left me human anyways…but he loves me_, I chanted in my head. _He loves me, he is here and he loves me; _over and over I repeated my mantra until I could get some semblance of breathing back.

"Night Dad, I'm heading up to get ready for bed," I wanted him to think I was being good and not neglecting myself.

I made it a point, as I did every night since we had gotten back, to make a lot of noise during my nighttime routine. I grabbed my sweats and toiletry bag and busied myself in the bathroom. A hot shower did me good; it made me relax a little.

By the time I was almost finished, I heard Charlie come up to his room. That was my cue, and sure enough I found Edward sitting in the rocking chair looking gorgeous as always.

"Hey," I said timidly.

"Hi love," ok he called me love that has to be good.

"You said you had something on your mind?" I tried for nonchalant, but my voice came out squeaky and needy.

"Yes, and I hope this does not upset you and you don't think me ungrateful of the gift you have bestowed on me," he stated.

_Oh fuck no! Deep breaths Bella hold it together. It cannot be that bad,_ I hoped.

"but Bella, have you forgiven me really? And if so how?" he begged, he looked pained.

_Was that all,_ I was relieved

"Edward, I understand you left because you loved me, that is all that matters. Your logic was flawed, but your intentions were good. I would have preferred we discuss things before you… left, but what's done is done. There is no going back; we need to move on," I answered truthfully.

**Edward POV**

Her explanation was so simple. I could see in her deep brown eyes that she was telling the truth- Her face was an open book. Oh how I loved this amazing creature.

"Thank you, and I meant what I wrote: everyday for the rest of my existence I will make it up to you," I vowed.

"I don't want your guilt Edward," she retorted.

"Okay, love, but if you are cross with me, I want you to feel safe and secure in us tell me".

"I agree, and now that you mention it," _Oh no, she was going to crush me_, I thought and braced myself. "The flowers, were over the top, just the card would have more than sufficed." The flowers, she was honestly mad about the flowers? I got off easy.

"Anything else?" I decided to tempt fate with that question.

"No. Now let us just move on, okay?" she pleaded.

I nodded in agreement and just then she yawned.

_I can only imagine how tired she feels, I feel weary and I am an immortal!_

"Go to sleep Bella, my love, you're exhausted."

She acquiesced. I watched her snuggle into her bed and look at me. I lay next to her and she cuddled up next to me, her head on my chest.

"Are you sure that you're comfortable?" I asked. I didn't believe she could be, while curled up around my stone frame.

"I feel safe and happy when I'm in your arms. That is what makes me comfortable," she cooed.

"Edward, one more thing,"

"Yes, love?"

"I really loved the flowers, even if they were over the top," she replied and moved to give a long delicious kiss. Since the invention of the kiss, this was one of the sweetest. Before I had the chance to, she broke the kiss and snuggled back onto my chest. That simple act was a perfect thank you for the flowers; I hated always being the responsible one.

I hummed her lullaby, and she drifted off to sleep. I kept humming as she became restless, then the sleep talking started. I couldn't make it all out but her tone was venomously angry.

"Edward," she hissed. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you?" then "Let me forget," and finally "I don't trust you."

I was beside myself I was so hurt, I kept inflicting pain on her, and it was killing me inside. I felt complete now that I had Bella by my side again, but she was pulling herself away from me piece by piece. This was more horrific than anything Jane could do to me. I needed to have a real answer from her, and I would in the morning. My cell vibrated, but I had more important things on my mind than answering it

**AN**

Thoughts? How do you feel about Charlie's thought? Did you see Bella struggling with her anger?

Oh, we have a contest there are three quotes one is VERY obvious and is from a request one of you made. Let's see how you do. 

Remember I love hearing from you, whether it's a review or constructive criticism I love it all! Once again, I will give you a teaser to those who review… that's right I bribe you and I'm proud of it! LOL.

Love you all, and thank you for taking the time to read this little pastime of mine!

P.s. If you haven't already please check out my other story _Hamartia Rocks_, its on FF and Twilighted. 


	9. Sunday: Take One

**Chapter Note: **

Hello again,

Our contest winner was Dryad who knew that the quotes "Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." From the Princess Bride

"That is the question" is from Hamlet.

Note to all: the third quote was delted in editing, sorry about it.

Honorable mention to: seadragon and boulderpa for getting the Princess Bride quote.

I have to thank my Twilighted beta Tim83, who gets these chapters to you quickly.

Last but not least the PTB betas who worked diligently on this chapter! They never cease to amaze me-thank you.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Ch 9 Sunday: Take One**

**Edward POV**

Charlie had left in the wee hours of the morning to meet Billy Black to go fishing. I knew he was coming in to check on Bella, so I hid in the closet, as I had a few days before. He simply cracked the door open and peeked into see that she was in bed. Satisfied with what he found, he left.

I didn't want to disturb Bella, so I sat in the rocking chair and continued doing what I had done for the last four hours. Replaying all the hurtful words I said to her in the forest and the simple truths she revealed to me when her guard was down. I was truly the monster I always feared I was.

I heard her heartbeat changing, signaling she was awake, but I couldn't lift my head from my hands. I was not worthy to look into the eyes of my now-broken angel. It was as if I purposely plucked off her wings.

"Morning, Edward. Why are you over there? Did Charlie leave? I'm going to take a human moment, okay?" she groggily rambled.

I didn't answer her; I was feeling too low for that.

"What's wrong?" Bella inquired.

"What's _wrong_?" I muttered and chuckled a dark, joyless laugh.

"Yes, Edward, why are you holding your head in your hands like a man awaiting a death sentence?" Bella asked. I permitted myself a glance at her. She looked concerned-not angry, just concerned.

"Love, I have to ask you a hard question." In my peripheral vision, I could see that she nodded and braced herself. I also noticed that as she sat on the edge of her bed, she wrapped her arms around her torso as if holding herself together.

"Do you hate me? Do you want me to leave?" I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice, but I failed miserably. Summoning my courage I looked at her, knowing her answer had the power to crush my entire world.

_This must have been how she felt when I brought her into the forest after days of being standoffish. If she says yes, then you will leave her to live her own life,_ I thought.

"Why would I want that? Don't I tell you all the time that I love you? I understand what you did, and I forgive you. I told you last night that I was over it. Why don't you believe me? Why do you," she sobbed, "not trust me? When I trust you so openly with all that I am every second we are together?" she asked me.

I knew those tears; they were not borne of weakness, as her faltering voice might suggest. No, those were tears of anger. Not only had I crushed her, but I was infuriating her as well. I decided it was time to face the music.

"Love, I do trust you. But-" She glared at me with that one word. I had to tread carefully. "In your sleep, Bella, you say things that are true, but nonetheless hurtful to me. I've been trying to make amends; however, I don't know if you really forgave me, or if you ever can," I explained.

I hated myself even more for saying these things. I was self-centered; I wanted her to comfort me when I knew I didn't deserve it. I always wanted more than I deserved.

"Oh my God, what did I say?" She was shocked and mortified, as I knew she would be.

"I'd rather not repeat it," I said, and once again I averted my gaze from hers.

"Tell me!" she yelled. "I have a _right _to know!" She glowered at me while saying this.

"You're right; you do have a right to know. You say that you don't trust me, and that I broke you. You have muttered "bastard" and "how could you." I sent you flowers after you told me, in your sleep, that you hated me and that I nearly killed you, then asked if I was happy with what I had done. Last night was the reason I'm even bringing this up."

I paused, stood up and started pacing. I needed to do something; anything and pacing gave me an outlet.

" Apparently my efforts—professing my love daily, the flowers, the note you said you loved, were not enough. You hissed, "Edward, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?" "Let me forget," and finally "I don't trust you."" I paused. I needed every bit of self-control I had amassed over the years, so I would not grab her and beg. This was about Bella, and she needed me to be strong so she could tell me the truth.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so—" she started to apologize, and I thought I might actually lose what little grip I had on my sanity if she finished that sentence.

"_No!_" I said a little too loudly, letting my internal anguish seep out for a moment.

"No," I said more gently. "I cannot accept your apology. I failed you, Bella… I failed us. Those musings are my true peek into your mind; I never want you to hide things from me. Please, I know I have no right to this request, but please tell me the truth. Are you angry? Do you hate me?" This was the hardest sentence I ever uttered. With that, I braced myself for the whole, ugly truth.

"You are un-_fucking_-believable!" she screeched. My sweet angel was having a breakdown.

She never swore at me. The closest she ever came was when she called me a "stupid shiny Volvo owner" under her breath and thought I couldn't hear her; this was shocking.

My expression must have conveyed my shock because he glared at me then continued. I just took my seat again in the rocking chair.

"Yes, I am angry, Edward. I mean, how could I not be? I ask you to let it go, but you press on. So what do you want to know? What do you want me say? Do you want me to tell you that you devastated me when you left? You did! Do you want to hear that I wished night after night that you had let James kill me, rather than deal with the pain of losing you? I did! Did I curse the fates that Jacob and the pack saved me in _our_ meadow? I did! I was in our meadow to see if the magic of it was real—if you and I were ever real. I found that it was real." She paused, her tone turning bitter and bleak. "In the worst way possible."

Bella took a steadying breath, glared at me, and then continued. The bleakness was gone from her voice and unadulterated anger was back.

"Did I need Jake to keep me alive? Did he offer me a moment of fleeting peace in my grief? He did. Just as Emmett or Alice would have, had you not ripped them from me." She let out a low growl at the word ripped_. _

_She is actually growling at me_—_ a vampire_; _she really must be angry._

"Your family welcomed me in when they saved me in the ballet studio and a hundred times before and after that! _You_ stole them from me, too. You may not have realized it, Edward, but you stole part of my family and my future from me. In the process of confirming all of my insecurities and making unilateral decisions, you took my only true friend, until Jake, when you left.

So, to answer your question, I was angry. No, not angry, furious. First, I was catatonic and then I was a zombie, according to Charlie. When I woke up, I had this burning hole in my chest. I was dying slowly from the pain of losing you. I don't think you ever believed how much I loved you, and still do. However, you had the luxury of knowing that I still loved you; I thought I was just some passing fancy. I was angry that you did this to me- to us- to _our_ family. Then I jumped off the cliff, and nearly died. I did that to hear your voice; I was pathetic. Hell, I probably still am. After that, Alice-bless her-came back for me because _she loved me_. _She_ cared enough to look after Charlie if I really was gone. I was reeling once I saw her again. Just when I thought maybe my sad excuse for an existence might be getting better, you had to play the martyr with your suicide attempt.

And I was angry. No, strike that, I was furious and disappointed that you would think so little of your family. Poor Esme already lost a son! You were doing this outrageous, crazy, reckless and stupid thing in the name of our love and my memory. I would _never_ have wanted that, and you _should _have known better_. _I wanted to save you so I could throttle you. Then I went to Italy to rescue you, and it all melted away. The anger was not real; it was just there to keep me alive. Its purpose was to combat the despair that was eating me from the inside out. When you came back into my life I made a choice; I would let you go if that was what you wanted. When you said you would stay, I had another choice to make, and it was simple. So simple, I didn't even think about it: move forward with you or sink back into nothingness. I knew I loved you too much to walk away and I would never survive that kind of separation again. So I chose happiness. I chose you over holding a grudge. Remember, Edward, I'm not like your sister Rosalie, who makes Emmett beg. Is that what you want? That is _not _me and never will be! Given all that we've been through—no, all that _you_ have put us though; you dare question me? I'm shocked. Now you have a choice to make, and don't make it lightly. We can either move on, embrace each other and our life together or we can re-open old wounds and annihilate each other. Know that I made my choice; however, you seem to be choosing the other path, I don't know what I will do..." She paused in thought and trembled.

_Bella trembled, this was all my doing, I'm a pathetic excuse for a –_ before I could finish the sentiment, she continued.

"So leave, Edward. Go home and think about all this and choose. Will you finally embrace the light and accept me at my word when I say that I love you more than anything, or are you going to get all moody and angst-ridden on me? All 'Emoward', as Em calls you?"

_Apparently Emoward is catching on, as is the whole emo thing._ _Fucking Emmett!_ I was shocked by own thoughts, as I never cursed. I was raised that it was wrong to think such things, let alone say them. I really was at my wits' end, and it was showing. I sat there before my one and only love, feeling ashamed and dejected.

"Bella, love, I want you. I just don't want you to hurt," I quickly responded. If I paused, I would only cause her to doubt me more. I was trying to be the man she needed and wanted me to be.

"No, you don't want _you_ to hurt, and neither do I. That is why I moved passed the hurt. I cannot control the things I say at night. But if you were _so_ concerned and didn't want me to hurt, then you shouldn't have left!" she sneered back at me.

Normally someone speaking to me in that tone would only incite anger in me; however, this was not the case when it was my Bella. Coming from her, the words just made me loathe myself even more. She changed me so completely, in so many ways, and my self-flagellation in response to her fury was just one more to add to the list.

"I deserve that," I muttered. I once again could only stare at my feet.

_This is a position that I know all too well, _I thought bitterly.

"No you don't!" she screeched. "I said it to make you realize that," she was seething now, "taking cheap shots at you will not make me feel better, and all it will do is destroy us!" She glowered at me.

_She glowered at me! She was formidable, my Bella, but I should not be allowed to think of her as my Bella anymore. I think she does still want me; she said as much. Could her human feelings really measure up to mine? __I don't understand what she's asking. She knows my answer; what more can I do? If she wants me, she can have anything she desires. I'll make it happen, no matter what._

"Now leave, Edward!" she cried loudly.

"Bella, Bella, I won't go! I choose us," I answered truthfully, and quickly. My response would always be automatic when it came to us now: YES!

"No, you need to think this through. You said in your note if I wanted you gone, you would go. Do that now, for me and for us. If this," she gestured between us, "means anything to you at all, then leave. Come back after Charlie is asleep; I just hope you have your answer by then."

The angry tears returned.

_Now I'm afraid of my human girlfriend, almost fiancé…I'm a pathetic vampire. How could I ever believe that this resilient woman could ever want to be my wife! I'm lucky to be in her life at all._

The shrill sound of my cell phone ringing broke the strained silence between us. I was lucky that Charlie was gone, or the noise would have garnered his attention. I had forgotten to place the device on vibrate—yet another mistake to add to my ever-growing list of things I would never do again.

"Give it to me, Edward!" Bella demanded with her hand stretched towards me.

Her expression was stern, and I didn't want to make her any angrier; I gave her the cell phone. I was afraid of what she would do if I didn't.

She looked at the caller ID, though from the look in her eyes I assumed that she already knew it was most likely my pixie sister.

"Hi, Alice," she said, her tone was still irate but softening.

"Hi, Bella, is Edward there?" My sister sounded awfully chipper—something was off here.

"Yes, he is here, as you well know. You also know he can hear every word you are saying. That being said, I want you to tell about him the vision you probably called to share," Bella replied curtly.

I'd call it a fight but held my tongue; Bella was scaring me again. My sister apparently was weighing speaking to me through Bella. After living with someone for over fifty years, you learned their tells. It was amazing, though, that I didn't need to be near Alice to know her thoughts.

"I have a right to know, Alice. I won't be handled like a small child anymore!" Bella seethed. The anger was apparently retuning.

"Okay, Bella, you're right. Well, if you don't leave now, Edward, Bella will use Charlie as an excuse to ignore you for a while. With her ultimatum, well…" Alice was choosing her words carefully for Bella's sake. She didn't want to distress her any further. Bella had been through more in this week than most people experienced in their entire lifetimes, and coupled that with the months of depression I sent her into—well Alice was always compassionate.

"Either decision, you're still together, but one way you're much happier than the other," she finished.

"I could have seen that," Bella mused. I don't believe she meant for either Alice or me to hear her.

"I tried to answer her already, Alice; she won't let me," I defended myself warily. I had never seen Bella this angry. If she stormed off and hurt herself because of what I had done, I would surely never forgive myself. All I could think of were scenarios where she would get in her car angry and end up hurt. Another horrible thought was her riding that blasted motorbike.

"No, Edward, you need to come home and do some soul searching. I'm coming over to stay with Bella; she needs me."

Then, at vampire speed so only I could hear, she said, "Fuck, Edward, you _are_ an idiot. You _should _have answered my call or text last night! All this could have been avoided! _Will you ever learn?"_ Again I was shocked by the profanity. Alice never swore, either. This was getting too heated if _they_ were using this kind of language.

_Fabulous, now I am out of favor _again_ with two of the three most important women in the world to me. I wonder if they will let Esme join the 'We Think Edward Is A Screw Up Club'? I'm sure that Rose is the founding member. Perhaps Emmett can be the treasurer, _I thought bitterly.

"Thank you, Alice, for making your idiot brother see reason," Bella said as she glared at me; her voice pulled me from my inane thoughts..

We sat in tense silence until I heard:_ Go home, Edward! _It was Alice mentally screaming at me.

"Alice is here," I announced in a monotone voice.

"Okay, go," Bella said simply, her tone remote and reserved. Her cold words caused me to shiver for the first time in all my years as a vampire.

"I love you," I said tentatively.

"I know, I love you too, but it doesn't change anything until you know what that means," she said, not even looking at me.

With that, I left through the window. I didn't reach out to hold her; I didn't kiss her and promise to return. Now was not the time

**AN**

Okay, I'm afraid to ask: what did you think?

As always, thank you for reading and remember I love hearing from you. Also, I will bribe you to review, so anyone of you that do get a teaser!


	10. Sunday: Take Two

**Chapter Note: **

Hello again,

I have to thank my Twilighted beta Tima83, who gets these chapter to you quickly.

Last but not least the PTB betas who worked diligently on this chapter! They never cease to amaze me- thank you.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Ch 10 Sunday: Take Two**

**Bella POV**

I opened my eyes and realized I was hot, too hot. That meant only on thing-Edward was not in my bed. Before I could let my irrational fear and anger flow freely, I scanned the room. I saw a figure in the corner; it was Edward sitting in the rocking chair, head in his hands looking miserable.

Then it hit me— Charlie was going fishing and when he checked on me he must have thought about my 'zombie' phase, as it was now referred to. I decided to speak to find out, what was going on.

"Morning, Edward. Why are you over there? Did Charlie leave? I'm going to take a human moment, okay?" I asked, in one breath.

He didn't answer me.

_This was never good a good sign. The last time he shut me out, he left me_, I shuddered at the thought.

_Well, I am not playing silent Bella this time; that didn't do me any favors. This time I was demanding answers. According to the vote and his 'compromise', I was going to be changed and I need to start setting a precedent now if things would ever be equal in this relationship._

"What's wrong?" I asked

"What's _wrong_?" Edward muttered; his tone was slightly patronizing and then he chuckled a dark joyless laugh. This made me angry, but I suppressed the unwanted emotion. I didn't know what was wrong and he was acting as if it were plainly obvious.

"Yes, Edward, why are you holding your head in your hands like a man awaiting a death sentence?" I was honestly concerned; this was worrying behavior.

"Love, I have to ask you a hard question," he said, his voice overly cautions. He was acting as if the slightest little thing would set me off.

The fact that I had no clue why he was acting this way, was deeply disconcerting. I nodded and braced myself; I sat on the edge of my bed and wrapped my arms around my torso, holding myself together, just as I had when he was gone. The sinking feeling I had from last night when he said "we had to talk" came flooding back.

_Hold it together, Bella. Hold it together!_ I commanded myself.

"Do you hate me? Do you want me to leave?" There was anguish and defeat laced in his calm and calculated tone. Any other person wouldn't have noticed, but I knew him too well for that.

"Why would I want that? Don't I tell you all the time that I love you? I understand what you did, and I forgive you. I told you last night that I was over it. Why don't you believe me? Why do you," I sobbed, I could not control it, "not trust me? When I trust you so openly with all that I am every second we are together?" I was pleading through my tears.

However, for the first time since Alice and I rescued him, I was letting my anger take over. It was a defense mechanism I recognized immediately. It was similar to the way I felt when Charlie had first said Edward was out of my life and I countered with the threat of moving out. The rage was just something that was going to happen, and I wanted desperately to rein it in. I was not my mother and I could handle this without the dramatics.

"Love, I do trust you," he told me.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, he continued the sentence "But…"

I glared at the use of the word 'but.' No good would ever come of that qualifier. My look warned him that though he was a vampire, he was on the proverbial thin ice.

"In your sleep, Bella, you say things that are true but nonetheless hurtful to me. I've been trying to make amends; however, I don't know if you really forgave me or if you ever can." He looked so pained, and I was mortified.

"Oh my God, what did I say?" I was humiliated.

"I'd rather not repeat it," he said then looked away from me.

"Tell me!" I practically screeched it. "I have a _right _to know!"

"You're right; you do have a right to know. You've said that you don't trust me, and that I broke you. You have muttered "bastard" and "how could you." I sent you flowers after you told me, in your sleep, that you hated me and that I nearly killed you, then asked if I was happy with what I had done. Last night was the reason I'm even bringing this up. "

He took a brief pause and started pacing back and forth at the end of my bed.

"Apparently my efforts— professing my love daily, the flowers, the note you said you loved, were not enough. You hissed, "Edward, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?","Let me forget," and finally "I don't trust you."" I could not read his expression after he spoke.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so—" I was quick to say how remorseful, but then was shocked into silence when Edward, my love, did something I had never seen him do without outside provocation — he yelled at me.

"NO!" was what his anguish soaked voice screeched.

"No," he added in a more gentle tone. "I cannot accept your apology. I failed you, Bella… I failed us. Those musings are my true peek into your mind; I never want you to hide things from me. Please, I know I have no right to this request, but please tell me the truth. Are you angry? Do you hate me?" he asked.

I could see how hard it was for him to say these things, I really and truly could understand. Then something in me snapped. I was furious at him. The only thing that kept going through my head was: _I saved him, I loved him, he left me, and yet he has the audacity to question me! _

_He was going against my wishes, by forcing this conversation on me. This was to relieve his guilt. Well…_ I had no clue how to finish that sentence, and then something came over me.

"You are un-_fucking_-believable!" I shrieked.

The intensity of my anger surprised even me. I could see the misery written all over his face, yet there was no way I could stop now. The dam had broken; I could no longer hold the anger at bay. So I made the decision that I would just let it flow. Maybe Renee was right and I did need to get this out of my system; there just might be a method to her madness. While I paused he stopped his pacing and sat back in the rocking chair.

"Yes, I am angry, Edward. I mean, how could I not be? I asked you to let it go, but you pressed on. So what do you want to know? What do you want me say? Do you want me to tell you that you devastated me when you left? You did! Do you want to hear that I wished night after night that you had let James kill me, rather than deal with the pain of losing you? I did! Did I curse the fates that Jacob and the pack saved me in _our_ meadow? I did! I was in our meadow to see if the magic of it was real—if you and I were ever real. I found that it was real," I paused. My voice suddenly cold, bleak and hard; which was how I felt, "in the worst way possible."

I took a breath to try and rein in my anger. It did nothing, so I just continued, and hoped he would see the depth of my love when I got to the end of my completely impromptu speech.

"Did I need Jake to keep me alive? Did he offer me a moment of fleeting peace in my grief? He did. Just as Emmett or Alice would have had you not ripped them from me," I growled at him.

I was furious at him for taking Alice from me. She was my best friend, my sister, and he stole her from me. I never got a goodbye. She was not even allowed to e-mail me. That would have been nice. I would have liked a little:

'Hey Bella,

It was fun having you for my own personal Barbie doll for the last few months. My brother is a loveable idiot but it'll work out okay.

Love,

Alice'

"Your family welcomed me in when they saved me in the ballet studio and a hundred times before and after that! _You_ stole them from me, too. You may not have realized it, Edward, but you stole part of my family and my future from me. In the process of confirming all of my insecurities and making unilateral decisions, you took my only true friend, until Jake, when you left.

"So, to answer your question, I was angry. No, not angry, furious. First, I was catatonic and then I was a zombie, according to Charlie. When I woke up, I had this burning hole in my chest. I was dying slowly from the pain of losing you. I don't think you ever believed how much I loved you, and still do. However, you had the luxury of knowing that I still loved you; I thought I was just some passing fancy. I was angry that you did this to me- to us- to _our_ family. Then I jumped off the cliff, and nearly died. I did that to hear your voice; I was pathetic. Hell, I probably still am. After that, Alice -bless her -came back for me because _she loved me_. _She_ cared enough to look after Charlie if I really was gone. I was reeling once I saw her again. Just when I thought maybe my sad excuse for an existence might be getting better, you had to play the martyr with your suicide attempt," I explained.

"And I was angry. No, strike that, I was furious and disappointed that you would think so little of your family; poor Esme already lost a son! You were doing this outrageous, crazy, reckless and stupid thing in the name of our love and my memory. I would _never_ have wanted that, and you _should _have known better_. _I wanted to save you so I could throttle you. Then I went to Italy to rescue you, and it all melted away. The anger was not real; it was just there to keep me alive. Its purpose was to combat the despair that was eating me from the inside out. When you came back into my life I made a choice; I would let you go if that was what you wanted. When you said you would stay, I had another choice to make, and it was simple. So simple, I didn't even think about it: move forward with you or sink back into nothingness. I knew I loved you too much to walk away and I would never survive that kind of separation again. So I chose happiness. I chose you over holding a grudge. Remember, Edward, I'm not like your sister Rosalie, who makes Emmett beg. Is that what you want? That is _not _me and never will be! Given all that we've been through— no, all that _you_ have put us through - you dare question me? I'm shocked. Now you have a choice to make and don't make it lightly. We can either move on, embrace each other and our life together, or we can re-open old wounds and annihilate each other. Know that I made my choice; however, you seem to be choosing the other path, I don't know what I will do..." I paused to internally shudder at the thought.

Edward looked devastated. This was a hard little speech to get through for both of us; however, if anything between us would ever be right again, I had to stand my ground. I had to make him see leaving was not the worst thing he did; shutting me out and discounting my opinion was the problem. He had done it again this morning when he made me drag all this up, even though I didn't want to. The second thing he did that was horrible was not realizing how much I love him. apparently he thought me fickle.

"So leave, Edward. Go home and think about all this and choose. Will you finally embrace the light and accept me at my word when I say that I love you more than anything, or are you going to get all moody and angst-ridden on me? All 'Emoward', as Em calls you?" I asked forcefully.

That was one of my favorite memories of our summer together. Emmett in an attempt to embarrass Edward in front of me called him 'Emoward'. He explained needlessly that Edward could be brooding and despondent. I responded by rolling my eyes and saying "_My_ Edward? No way," the sarcasm dripping from my voice; however, in this moment, the name fit him. He was doing that 'Edward I'm not worthy crap', which I hate, and it was written all over his body posture and facial expression.

"Bella, love, I want you. I just don't want you to hurt," he said quickly, too quickly. I believed him, but I wanted him to really understand my point. I didn't need an automatic response. I needed to know how he truly felt.

"No, you don't want _you_ to hurt, and neither do I. That is why I moved past the hurt. I cannot control the things I say at night. But if you were _so_ concerned and didn't want me to hurt, then you shouldn't have left!" I knew I was hitting below the belt, but I wanted him to see my point.

"I deserve that," he said and looked down again, ashamed of himself.

"No you don't!" I screamed, exasperated. If I didn't think it would hurt me, I would have grabbed him by the shoulders, and shaken him. I wish I had Rosalie's strength, because right then I wanted to hit him upside the head as she customarily did to Emmett.

"I said it to make you realize that taking cheap shots at you will not make me feel better, and all it will do is destroy us!" I glowered at him.

"Now leave, Edward!" I practically yelled.

"Bella, Bella, I won't go! I choose us," he said, but this too was just like the first of his responses… automatic.

"No, you need to think this through. You said in your note if I wanted you gone, you would go. Do that now, for me and for us. If this," I waved my hand, indicating the space between the two of us, "means anything to you at all, then leave. Come back after Charlie is asleep; I just hope you have your answer by then." The hot angry tears were back, and I was pissed.

Then his cell rang. I knew it would be Alice; I had not decided that kicking him out was my final choice, until I said it. That being the case, Alice was not able to warn him and she was calling to check up on us. I realized then she would do anything to keep me around, and save her brother from his lunacy, including almost getting herself killed.

"Give it to me Edward," I held my hand out opened and waiting for the phone. I was in control right now, and I kind of liked it.

I looked at the caller ID, and it turned out Alice was not the only psychic in the family, because I called that one.

"Hi, Alice," I knew my voice was softening. I could not be mad at Alice because of Edward.

_After all, Alice cared enough to check on Charlie __when she thought I was dead__, unlike Edward… Where did that thought come from?_

"Hi, Bella, is Edward there?" she chirped. She was pretending everything was fine, as if I could not guess what she wanted to tell him.

"Yes, he is here, as you well know. You also know he can hear every word you are saying. That being said, I want you to tell about him the vision you probably called to share," I chose my words carefully.

I knew Alice had to have a vision as soon as I gave in to the anger. I knew I had made a choice and was relieved she would call; maybe then he would understand. I paused, when she didn't fill the dead air, my anger turned on her.

"I have a right to know, Alice. I won't be handled like a small child anymore!" I fumed.

I had proven how strong I could be, hadn't I? I flew to Italy; sure I lost it later but come on, any human would have. I would be told the truth from now on, by everyone, not just Edward, so help me.

"Okay, Bella, you're right. Well, if you don't leave now, Edward, Bella will use Charlie as an excuse to ignore you for a while. With her ultimatum, well…" she was searching for words for my sake, I'm sure. "Either decision, you're still together, but one way you're much happier than the other."

"I could have seen that," I said, under my breath absent-mindedly. The bitter tone in my voice shocked me. I hoped Edward hadn't heard it.

"I tried to answer her already, Alice; she won't let me," he said defensively, and eyed me cautiously. I had no clue, what he expected me to do. It seemed like for a while now he had been bracing himself for something.

"No, Edward, you need to come home and do some soul searching. I'm coming over to stay with Bella; she needs me." I agreed. I felt so many things at once, and though I was a private person I needed to lean on someone this time. I had been alone for too long. Jake was kind and all, but there were some things I could never tell him. I needed my sister and best friend.

"Thank you, Alice, for making your idiot brother see reason," I glared at him. I felt bad for the name-calling, but I needed him to see I was strong and I was not backing down. I needed him to understand me. I would not be the spineless, quiet, go-with-the-flow-Bella again because that didn't work out well.

We sat in tense silence; he never looked away from me. It was as if he were studying me, and I knew this look. He was looking at me like the only thing he wanted in the world would be to get inside my head. I was glad that he couldn't though; I was not sure he would like everything he found there right now.

"Alice is here," he said suddenly.

"Okay, go," I said. I was exhausted. I felt numb, and dead, as I said the words. I had not felt so alone since he left me.

"I love you," he added as he walked towards the window.

"I know, I love you too, but it doesn't change anything until you know what that means," I told him.

The truth of my words lingered heavily in the air; they felt like a press on my chest. I felt the whole ache.

With that, he left through the window.

AN:

Hope you all liked Bella's side of the fight. Next chapter is a new one and this is the only double chapter.

I will give a teaser to those who review.

If you have time please check out my other story "Hamartia Rocks".

Thanks for reading,

Cheers,

~E


	11. Yet I'll Hammer It Out

**Chapter Note: **

Hello again,

I have to thank my Twilighted beta Tima83, who gets the chapters to you quickly, unless I mislabel them. *sorry again about that everyone*

Last but not least the PTB beta Twimart who worked diligently on this chapter! She never ceases to amaze me- thank you.

By the way I wanted to thank you my readers as the story will be coming to an end in the next few chapters.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Ch 11: Yet I'll Hammer It Out**

**Alice POV**

I waited for my brother to jump down from the window.

When he did, he tried to walk past me. I blocked his way; I was small but fast.

_Edward, I have one question for you: Are you determined to make both you and Bella miserable? _

My question shocked him, as I knew it would. I wanted him to have this conversation with me. I was not letting him off as easy as I had back at home_. _

_Was that really only yesterday morning? So much had happened, and so many decisions had been made, changed, and left hanging in the air. I had to fix this, and this was the only way I could see to get it through his thick, un-dead skull_, I thought to myself.

"No," he muttered. Just as he had done with Bella in her room, he did not dare to meet my gaze. He simply stared at his feet as if they were fascinating.

_Then go home, and don't push her. She has been through enough because of us— you in particular. She needs this, Edward. Go home, replay that conversation, and think about what Bella is truly asking you. Right now, you still have not figured it out. You know, for someone who is so intelligent, you can be awfully obtuse and irritating._

"All right, Alice," he said dejectedly, still avoiding my gaze. He looked like a child who had just found out there was no Santa Claus—utterly devastated. I could tell him that it was going to work out. I could ease his fears and make this a lot easier, but I owed it to Bella to let him figure it out on his own. No matter how long it took, he would figure it out; of that I was certain. I just didn't know how long it would take; hopefully, it would be while Bella was still human.

We stood in silence for a moment.

"I have to go to Bella," I said aloud.

He nodded in understanding, and without speaking or looking at me, started running.

**Edward POV**

I turned away from Alice and started running. I ran all the way home, and I had no more clarity on the topic of what Bella truly wanted from me. I chose us—her—and yet she didn't believe me.

_**You don't deserve for her to believe you**__,_ the little voice in my head said.

_I know, _I responded to the bitterly.

_**She'll leave you now, probably for that Jacob Black or Mike or Tyler. Anyone would be better than you. You are the bastard who shattered her heart and broke her spirit. Now you think you can just waltz back in and she'll forgive you? Well, you are wrong!**_

I hung my head in shame, knowing my conscience was right. I was a monster. I broke her, and I didn't deserve her forgiveness.

I entered the house and saw Emmett and Jasper still playing video games, much to my consternation. I really wished they would have been out, or that I'd the foresight to get my shit together before I came home. I was almost at the stairs when I heard Jasper's voice pop into my head. While moments ago it was all about beating Emmett, now he thought, _Edward what the fuck is wrong with you? You walk in and it's like a black cloud descended over the house._

I chose to ignore him and went to sit in my room and ponder how and if I should attempt to win Bella back.

Jasper tried again silently. _Edward, you cannot shut down like this. Come on._

By now, I was in my room. I felt low, as low as I could possibly feel. I refused to even give myself the solace of music; I would sit here in silence until I could see her again. I would beg. That was my only plan.

My mind wandered the barren desert that was my life again. I had known happiness, and yet, as happy as I had been I knew it was fleeting, and that was hell to bear. I kept pondering and pouring over my morning with Bella. I could hear Rose put on some music in her room; I wanted it to stop. I could not concentrate on whatever genre of Sirius XM station she had on. I could not bear this anymore. It was a riddle, and I had to try and solve it. Eliot was of my time. Eliot understood, and soon the verse was running though my mind:

In a minute there is time/

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse./

For I have known them all already, known them all:/

Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,/

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;/

I know the voices dying with a dying fall/

Beneath the music from a farther room./

So how should I presume?*

_Yes, how should I progress…_

If I lived one thousand years, I could not atone for my transgressions. She said she'd chosen happiness; it was simple for her, as she was not the one who inflicted the damage.

"Edward!" Jasper yelled. I was so caught up in my contemplative thoughts I did not hear anyone enter my room.

I arched an eyebrow as if to say, "What do you want?"

"What happened, Edward? Why are you shutting down?" Jasper looked concerned, his mind was screaming it, too. I wondered briefly why he was speaking to me, and not thinking at me. I just stared at him.

Then there was a second booming voice in my room.

"What the fuck, Edward! What's wrong?" Emmett so tactfully said.

I remained silent; I could not put into words my inner turmoil.

"Edward, please? I can feel it," Jasper was pleading; he looked pained and bereft.

"Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave/ My heart into my mouth," ** was my only answer.

"Oh, fuck no! Not Shakespeare. Not again, Jazz." Emmett looked like he was reliving a terrible trauma.

"I know, I know, Emmett. Edward, you promised. Now, I can see you're upset, terrified, guilt ridden, and hopeless. However, you cannot shut us out. Remember that didn't work out well before, right? Let's discuss this. Did you and Bella have a fight?" Jasper asked, his voice and thoughts full of compassion.

I did not answer them.

"Eddie, bro, you're probably making this out to be worse than it is...talk to us," Emmett implored me. My brother made it sound so simple. For someone so complex, he could be terribly naïve.

"These words are razors to my wounded heart,"*** I responded.

My brothers glared at me, and I averted my gaze.

"That's it, Jazz, we warned him. We gave him a chance, and now the fucker is going all Hamlet— sullen, and moody on us. Oh no. I will not let Emoward return. Let's beat it out of him," Emmett mused. When he said _Emoward_, it brought me back to my conversation with Bella, and I began to sob.

"Edward, STOP! Em, lets hold on," Jasper paused.

"First off, he quoted from Titus Andronicus—"

"I know, Jazz, I was making a point about his mood. Now he is crying, so can we stop with the superfluous English lit lesson and deal with our temperamental ass of a brother?"

"Oh, okay then. Secondly, he won't let me calm him. I can't let him do this again," Jasper responded.

From what I could hear, they were deciding on the same plan. They would force the truth from me if need be, but I didn't care.

"What is happening again?" a soft voice filtered into the room. It was Esme. I could not meet her gaze. I realized I had not actually looked anyone in the eye since Bella's house this morning. How could I? I had disappointed them all. Had I not promised Esme yesterday that I would not do this again? I had begged for forgiveness and was committing the same egregious sin yet again, but I had no choice in the matter. My life had no meaning without my Bella, and she had sent me away.

"Esme, I don't want you to be alarmed," Emmett said and put an arm around her shoulders, turning her towards him so Jasper could block her view of me.

"Why is he a huddled sobbing mass on the floor AGAIN? Where is Alice?" she questioned, sounding angry and exasperated.

"The easy answer is Alice said Bella needed her, and she left about twenty minutes ago. Fifteen minutes later, Edward came home, and a dark cloud descended over the house. We have tried to reach out to him, but just as before, he refused to cooperate," Jasper informed her.

"How bad is it this time?" The anguish in her voice was apparent.

"Yet again, he only responds with Shakespeare, and it is bugging the sh-, bothering me very much, Esme," Emmett answered, being careful of his vocabulary. If I could have found anything funny, I would have laughed, but alas that was not my lot in life. I was atoning for my sins.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, what happened?" Esme voice was stern.

I closed my eyes and willed them all away. I opened my eyes and was disappointed, yet unsurprised it did not work. I could still smell them in the room and hear their wounded and concerned thoughts.

"EDWARD!" she shrieked at me.

"Is Bella okay?" she asked tentatively.

"Physically," was the only answer I had in me. I was not going to tell them I crushed her spirit, thus compounded my sins.

"I'm going over there. If he is like this, Bella must be a wreck. Carlisle? Can you come in here and deal with…this?" She was exasperated as she motioned at me with her hand.

"Esme… wait!" The trio in my room froze, as I had not spoken unless spoken to since I came home. I had also stopped my dry sobbing momentarily. I saw the hope flicker in Esme's eyes. She thought maybe it would not be as bad as last time.

I stood and grabbed a piece of paper. For the second time in two days, I wrote to Bella. This note was shorter, but I hoped she would understand the meaning.

"Give this to her?" I held the note out to Esme but did not look her in the eye.

"I will," she answered. She then pulled me into a hug; it was a fast decision and I didn't have the chance to shrug it off. I was undeserving of both comfort and my mother's love. This realization started my dry sobbing again. She tried in vein to comfort me, but I shrugged it off.

As she walked out the door, I made my move to return to the floor. Emmett stopped me and grabbed me by the arms, holding me up.

"Let me go," I moaned.

"Not a chance, Emoward," Emmett said coldly.

The term, that name, made me sob harder. The intensity of my sobs took Emmett by surprise, and I fell to my knees.

Carlisle knelt down in front of me on the floor.

"My God, stop this, son. You said you wanted to turn a page and deserve the people in your life, Edward, so put it into practice. Stop moping and tell us what happened!" Carlisle chastised me.

No, chastised was not the right term. There was pleading and worry laced into his tone and thoughts. He was willing me to open up; I could see the fear in his thoughts that the entire cycle was starting again.

"I can't," I heaved between sobs and glanced at my brothers.

"Edward, no matter how stupid you are, we're your family, and we won't make fun of you, if you stop it," Jasper said. He must have felt my embarrassment, apprehension, and reluctance mixed in with the need to confess.

"Yeah, vampire's honor," Emmett added and did a mock Boy Scout salute.

"I will hold them to it," our father added.

I broke down and told them every sordid detail. Some of it Carlisle already knew but most he didn't. It felt good to rid myself of the heavy burden . Once I finished they were rendered mute, both mentally and verbally.

"So now that you know… can you all just leave me alone until I have to face the music later?" I beseeched them.

"No!" they all said quietly and in unison.

"Ed, I'm so sorry. Why don't I go by her house so I can get a true emotional read on her. Maybe that could help in your approach?" Jasper offered.

Just as he said that, his pocket beeped. He had a text.

I heard him reading the message in his mind. It read:

Jazz,

You will be sleeping alone for a long time if you come near here.

Love,

A

XO

"So… that idea's out," I huffed. Leave it to my sister to take away my only chance to understand what was going on because of her loyalty to Bella and hatred of me.

"Maybe you could go over, and you could hear Alice or Esme's thoughts about how to approach the…er…situation?" Emmett added to the conversation in earnest.

He had an emotional depth very few people saw. He managed to help Rose after what happened with Royce. Now my big lug of a brother, and his even bigger heart, were trying to piece me together as well. He was hard on me when he felt it was warranted but loved me nonetheless.

This time, it was my cell that beeped with a text.

Don't even think about it.

How could you!

That note… you are out of your mind?

~A

I told them all what she said and explained my note. They all groaned in unison.

"Okay, son, we have to approach this differently. First off, that note could be seen as insulting given the fact that she claims to have forgiven you and told you multiple times she does not, in fact, hate you. Secondly, what is she asking you? That is the key question here, right? Well, women can be quite confusing, as we all know," my father enlightened me.

My brother nodded in agreement.

"Now you know how we feel when we get into shit with our mates, Eddie. It sucks to be going at it blind," Emmett explained.

I nodded.

I never really appreciated what it was like to be in a relationship and want to read the other person's mind so I could just make it better. I guess I wished the same thing most men did, only they didn't have the added frustration of being able to read the thoughts of everyone else in the world.

"Maybe next time Rosie is pissed at me, you'll give me a clue as to what I did wrong and not give me that shit about respecting her privacy," Emmett continued.

"I just might, Em. I just might." I was so detached I could not even retaliate to being called Eddie, which I hated more than anything in the world.

We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, quietly contemplating the tale I told them. In reality it may have been an hour or an hour and a half. Finally, Jasper broke the silence.

"She asked you to choose happiness, right?" he asked. I nodded in affirmation, too weary to speak.

"You said you did, and she said you didn't understand," Carlisle added.

Again, I nodded

"Then she said loving her was not enough?" Emmett concluded.

"YES!" I yelled, exasperated. "Sorry, but we have been over this twice," I mumbled.

Now I didn't want them to leave. I might have listened in on thousands of couples fighting, but my father and brothers were the experts in fixing problems without knowing what your mate is thinking.

The four of us then argued, debated, and discussed strategy for another hour and were still empty handed. Eventually, I heard an aggravated groan from the room down the hall, and the door to Rose and Em's room swung open and slammed. Suddenly my sister was standing in the doorway, seething mad.

"You four century old vampires, with so many combined degrees I have lost count, cannot figure out the simple request of one eighteen-year-old human girl? I have held my tongue long enough. I will not give you the answer; Alice texted me a warning an hour ago but said I could give you a hint. Apparently, there is more value in you figuring it out on your own. Here it is: you need to change the way you approach everything. Edward, you need to respect her! I'm going back to my room, and I hope you four can figure it out."

Rose left without another word.

We sat in stunned silence. Rose had just helped Bella and me.

"You did go against her wish to talk about it," Jasper agreed.

"I've got it. You need to just let her be. You've acted like she is a small child," Carlisle said as if it were an epiphany.

"Yeah, man, stop being her Dad," Em added.

"I understand. Rehashing it won't make it better. I have to just love her, listen to her, respect her wishes, and that over time will heal her wounds."

I understood.

As I finished, I heard a song pipe up from down the hall, and it gave me an idea. I knew how I would approach the situation.

I thanked the men in my life and got to work.

*lines 47-54 The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock By T.S. Eliot published 1917.

** King Lear AI sci line 93-4

*** Titus Andronicus Act I, Scene I line 357

AN:

What did you think?

I love your reviews and constructive criticism is always welcome. As always I will bribe you for review with teasers.

If you have time please check out my other story "Hamartia Rocks".

Much love to my fabulous readers.

Thanks for reading,

Cheers,

~E

P.s. Anyone know where the title of this chapter comes from?


	12. The I Hate Edward Cullen Club?

**Chapter Note: **

Hello again,

This is the second last chapter everyone. So for the second to last time:

I have to thank my Twilighted beta Tima83, who gets the chapters to you quickly.

Last but not least the PTB beta Twimart who worked diligently on this chapter! She's very brave for taking on this story, as it seem to have been beta cursed…until now. She's the best.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Ch 12: The I Hate Edward Cullen Club?**

**Alice POV**

I entered through Bella's open window. just like in my vision I found her sitting on her bed knees under her chin, arms wrapped around her staring at the floor.

"Bella!" I called, and she did not respond.

"Hi, Bella," I chirruped. She looked up and relief flooded her face.

"Hi, Alice." From her tone, I could deduce that she was tired, though it was only early morning.

"Here is the plan, Bella. You go take your 'human moment' that you missed due to…. interruptions." I chose my words carefully not wanting to upset her; the word distraction was a no-no. I had seen she would not be responsive to talking right away, so I devised a plan. Once I was set on my course of action, I had a vision that reinforced that I was, of course, right.

_Why people doubt me I will never know, _I thought.

"Meanwhile, I will go and make you some breakfast, then you can take a nap and we can talk, and after that Esme is coming over because she has been very concerned about you since we have been back." I explained my master plan.

"Now all you have to do is tell me what you want to eat," I informed her.

"You don't have to do this, Alice," she told me.

"Bella, this is what sisters are for. I love you, and right now you need someone to take care of you because all you do is take care of everyone else. I'll repeat this only once more— what to you want to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," she said sadly.

"Nope, if you don't eat you'll pass out later and worry Charlie," I said sternly.

_Okay, so it was not the truth, but I did see her getting a little dizzy if she missed this meal, and that information was not enough to get her to eat. Not just that, but she had gotten so thin since we left, I truly worried about her health._

"Fine, just toast. Thank you," she replied without further comment and headed towards the bathroom. I went to go and get her breakfast.

**Bella POV**

I awoke from my nap to see Alice sitting in the rocking chair where Edward had been sitting this morning. I felt remorseful about what happened and the way I spoke at times; maybe we did needed to get it all out to truly move on.

"You're up," Alice said, stating the obvious.

"Hey Alice, thanks, I know I gave you a bit of a hard time, but I needed that." And truly, I did. The epic fight we had this morning left me totally drained both emotionally and physically.

"I know, what are sisters for?" she smiled at me. I smiled back, but it was not a genuine smile and we both knew it. My mind was on Edward and what an evil shrew I was to him.

"He'll be fine, Bella," she told me, as if she could read my mind.

"Thanks. I just feel sort of guilty. I don't know what came over me. I never thought I would speak to anyone, let alone Edward, like that." I was on the verge of tears as I spoke.

"Bella, we all get exasperated with our mates," Alice reassured me. I rolled my eyes.

Yes, I had witnessed Rose and Emmett fight, but never had Alice and Jasper or Carlisle and Esme fought in the time I had known them.

"Really, it's true."

"I don't believe you, Alice," I sniped and then sniffled.

"I know this may be hard to hear, but let me explain?" she practically begged.

"Okay," I consented.

"Bella, when Edward…" she paused as her tone turned serious, "convinced us to leave, Jasper and I had gone to Denali because he couldn't be around the family at first. It was really hard. He convinced himself that it was entirely his fault, and that I was hiding my true feelings from him. It took a lot of convincing to make him believe that I didn't blame him," she explained, and I could tell she was choosing her words carefully.

"Who did you blame?" I asked, knowing full well the answer.

"Myself." She shocked me with her reply.

"Why? I should have been more careful at the party, and Edward should not have been making unilateral decision for us or his family. Why would you blame yourself?" I asked, aghast.

"I didn't see. Then, I listened to him. I didn't look out for you. I fought him, Bella, I fought him hard, but I gave in— gave up on my sister. How could anyone ever do that? I'll never forgive myself for my part in all this. Not just the party but leaving you behind. I wish I had checked in, called, e-mailed —anything. I-I'm so sorry. I don't think you'll ever forgive me; how could you after everything I did to you?" she stated, pain clouding her glorious face.

"Of course I can forgive you. You came back. You came back to help Charlie when you thought I was dead. You tried to help piece me back together. Most of all, Alice, you risked everything to save Edward and I. He would be dead if not for you, and I would be too if you had not taken me to Italy. Then, you talked our way out of the city. You saved us, Alice. Even if you hadn't done all that, you _are_ my sister and I could never stay angry with you," I explained honestly.

"Thank you, Bella, thank you," she said to me and embraced me tightly.

"Alice, what else happen after you left?"

"This is not about us, it's about you," she said quickly. I resolved to drag the truth from her; no one was hiding information from me ever again.

"No, I want to know everything. I need this. The truth from now on, remember?" I begged.

Her eyes got that distant glazed look in them like when she had a vision, and she agreed.

"Once I settled things with Jazz, we met up with the others. It was bad, Bella. Edward withdrew into himself completely. I mean, we could not even speak to him without him flying off the handle. If he so much as heard us think your name, he would either sob or rage against us— we never knew which. Before he left us, he was a broken shell. Jazz tried to help him but he said it was like a black hole; he couldn't even be in the house for more than a couple hours at a time. Edward finally couldn't take the help, pity, whatever you want to call it, anymore and left. After that, well…Esme was inconsolable; she had lost two more of her children. Jazz tried to pull me from my own pit of despair. I lost two siblings and my two best friends. Rose was angry all the time, even more so than usual. Emmett just missed you both, and had to deal with her. Carlisle sough refuge at the hospital because he could not bear to see Esme in that kind of pain and be unable to help. You also have to couple that with the fact that he missed you both very much on his own. For the most part, we were together but were drifting apart —it was just as hard— because we could see the hole where the two of you used to be."

It hurt to think that those I love were hurt so badly. However, part me saw this as affirmation that they, too, cared for me, and not just because I was "with Edward".

_It was petty but well, I guess I'm, just a petty person today_.

"I'm so sorry, Alice." For once I was not apologizing but expressing heartfelt condolences.

"Bella, it's ok now. What happened between you and Edward the past few nights, well, it helped him. He didn't tell you, but he hasn't really spoken to any of us since his return. When he isn't with you, he's in his room alone. He was too ashamed to face us, just like after we left. But he realized that he had to persevere in order to move forward. He apologized to each of us. He even promised the boys no more Emoward," she explained further.

"I called him that today too, but you already knew that," I said sheepishly.

"I tried to block it out, but since in was both of your futures I couldn't block it completely," Alice said, and she sounded truly sorry for the invasion of privacy.

"Alice, I just wanted him to see that if he had only talked to me, we could have dealt with things before they got so out of hand. Then, this morning after I told him I wanted to put it past us, he pushed. It was horrible…it seems like we can let things fester but only when Edward decides it convenient— to hell with what I want. For someone who wants to love and protect me…" I let the thought end there. She was my best friend but also his sister, and had been for decades. Thus, I knew where her loyalty must lay. I looked down and pretended to be suddenly fascinated by the floor.

"Don't edit because of me. I'm on your side, Bella, always have been always will be. I let you down once, but never again. I'll just be more of a team player from now on. Now, I think bumbling fool or jackass would have worked brilliantly to end that sentence," she added.

I smiled, not at the idea of calling Edward names, but because Alice said she was on my side. I felt like I was always picking sides between Edward/Jake/Charlie etc… and it felt nice to have someone on my side.

"Do you mind if Esme comes over? She really wants to discuss some things with you. I'll be here, too." She sounded hesitant and this made me nervous; was she angry about our fight? I decided today was the day to deal with unpleasant things; I yelled at the love of my life and kicked him out, so why not get slammed by everyone?

"Okay, Alice, when will she be here?" I inquired.

"Three minutes, give or take," my psychic sister told me.

I decided I needed another "human moment". While leaving the bathroom I heard Esme knock on the window. I thought this was odd, but realized the neighbors would see Alice opening the door or Esme at the door, and tell Charlie. I couldn't go another round with him on top of it all.

"Bella," she said, hugging me as soon as I entered my bedroom.

"Esme." I loved this woman; she was the mother I never had. Renee was great, but she was always more of a friend, and I fell somewhere in between friend and personal assistant at times. Much like Alice saying she was on my side, seeing the look on Esme's face when she hugged me, made me realize that she wasn't here to ream me out on Edward's behalf.

_How did you ever think Esme would yell at anyone?_ I asked myself. The answer was simple— today was not my day, and my judgment was still clouded from my earlier altercation with Edward.

"Honey, I was so worried. I haven't had a chance to speak with you, and when I saw Edward come home so upset, I thought you might need to talk, too. I know you can't tell your mother everything and I was hoping I would do as a fill in," she pleaded.

"You're never a fill in, Esme You're just my other mother, Mom." I hugged her again.

"Now, before we deal with my son, I want you know that I realize how hard it has been for you with us gone. Carlisle and Alice told me everything they know. Oh honey, I'm so sorry, I never should have left you." If it were possible I think she would have been weeping; the emotion was thick in her voice.

"Esme, from what Alice told me you were hurt, too. There is no need for you to apologize. I'm sick of apologies. They change nothing, and no one feels better." I wish I hadn't said the last apart aloud.

"Bella, why do you say that? I thought you forgave Edward?" Esme hedged. She looked at Alice for confirmation; Alice nodded. Neither seemed to think I saw this exchange, but I wanted to speak for myself.

"I did, I do. Its just some things are not made better by words. It takes time and actions to heal relationships. I tried to make him see that, by rehashing everything, nothing would be better; my being angry is not the way I choose to live— right now or ever. I'm happy because he's back and safe—end of discussion. I don't want to focus on…before. Yet, he always knows what's best. He pushed me too damn far today." I was angry again though my tone didn't rise; it was now more of a quiet fuming.

"Beyond that, I knew telling him would only make him wallow in self-pity, and then I'd feel guilty. The anger would be dragged up, and that helps no one. However, he in his _infinite _wisdom knew better. He had to push me, he had to prod, and I just exploded and…it felt good," I admitted sheepishly.

"Of course it did, Bella. You deserved to yell at him, he's an imbecile," Alice muttered.

"Alice!" Esme admonished.

"No, Esme, he is. He makes poor unilateral decisions based on some warped outdated sense of morality and gentlemanly conduct. I'm sick of it!" Alice fumed.

_Here, here!_ I thought but didn't say a word. I wanted to see how this played out and didn't feel like yelling, especially at Esme.

"I know, Alice, I know," Esme agreed, hanging her head ever so slightly; I was shocked.

"You both agree?" I knew that my voice conveyed my astonishment.

"Yes," they said in unison.

"Bella, before we move on from the Edward bashing portion of this discussion, he gave me this to give you." She handed me a note. I was too distracted by the paper in my hand that I didn't hear Alice speak.

"Alice, I had to give it to her. He actually stood up and spoke?" Esme pleaded. I'm not sure I was supposed to hear her it as her volume increased over the course of the sentence.

"Emse, what do you mean by 'he actually stood up and spoke'?" I asked before I read the note.

"When Edward…left you; he broke down. I know you know this but it warrants repeating. He would not speak to us nor would he hunt. Most of the time he lay curled in the fetal position on his floor-"

"He kept doing that in Rio, too," Alice bitterly interjected.

"Well, he has a certain flare for the dramatic, as you know," Emse hedged. Alice rolled her eyes. I silently implored her to go on by nodding the affirmative.

"He tends to only respond in quotes, namely Shakespeare and mostly from the dark histories and dramas etc. I think it is a defense mechanism, so he doesn't really have to share his feelings, and it annoys some of us so much that they will just leave him alone, which is his goal. Thus, when I saw him doing that again, it tore me apart. But, then he stood as I was leaving and gave me this to give you, and I saw that broken shell of a man look in his eyes. I had to give it to you. Please understand, Alice, I love and need them both." Esme looked crestfallen when she finished.

I opened the folded piece of discarded paper. It was a far cry from the beautiful card stock of before. It also was not on his personal stationary; this told me he had truly written it in haste. He must have been so desperate that he grabbed whatever he found first. I timidly opened the note and read it.

Darling Bella,

I'm sorry that I have upset you yet again.

I have no right to ask you anything, but please don't be as cruel as I was. I don't know if I could survive it when you most likely send me away later.

I love you.

I hope it can be enough, I'm sorry that it's not.

I'm lost without you, but above all I want you to be happy with or without me.

Love always and forever,

Edward

I sat in stunned silence. I could not move an inch; I wanted to scream, he totally didn't get it.

"He thinks I'm giving up?" I said in a tiny, shocked voice. Bewildered would be a good word to use. I noticed Alice had her phone out and was sending a text.

I picked up the note and wanted to shred it into tiny pieces…

"Don't! Hand it to me now!" Alice screamed, throwing her phone on my bed and extending her hand. I did as she said; Esme arched her eyebrow at the interaction.

"It would not have ended well," Alice said meekly.

Esme dismissed this, understanding as well as I did what Alice had seen.

Esme asked if she could read the note, and I consented.

"I'm sorry, honey, I had no clue. I just hoped it would make it better," Esme pleaded with me.

"I told you otherwise," Alice seethed as she sent yet another text.

"Don't be mad at Esme, she is just as powerless to him as I am," I said in between sobs. Esme came and wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth. As if I were an upset five year old, she rubbed circles on my back as she rocked me.

"Who are you texting?" Esme asked as we rocked.

"My loving husband was going to come over here to do some reconnaissance for your idiot son, to gauge Bella's emotional climate. I informed him that if he did, he would be sleeping alone for some time," she seethed. Alice never got this angry, especially not at Jasper.

"But you don't sleep-" I didn't finish the sentence as Alice gave me a pointed look. I regretted what I said, and then regretted all the trouble I was causing.

"Next, I sent one to my stupid martyr brother. He was going to play Peeping Tom to gain some info," Alice added though gritted teeth. She must have been fuming, because in all the time I knew her, she never mentioned withholding sex from Jasper. Rose did it to Em all the time, but never Alice and Jasper.

The 'Edward bashing' continued on her quite a while. I told Esme everything once she impressed upon me the importance of opening up and communicating. I told every detail of my 'zombiedom', our flight to and from Italy, as well as the conversation leading up to the vote. I prattled on for about an hour and a half.

"Thank you for being honest with me, Bella, but I need to ask about the cliff diving. Did you really do it just to hear Edward's voice?" Esme said, her eyes searching my face for some tell-tale sign I was lying.

"I did, It was for recreational purposes, but I would be lying if I said that when I was taken over by the waves that I didn't want to give up. I thought of him one last time, and thought I would die happy," I said simply. I could be honest with Esme, in a way I wasn't with Renee.

"Oh, Bella," she sighed and hugged me tight.

"Tell her, Esme," Alice said softly.

"I jumped once, as you know; Carlisle, bless him, saved me. I had a horrible first marriage, and the only bright spot in my life was my baby boy. I loved him more than anything in the world— he was my world. When he died, I had nothing. I was utterly and truly alone. So, I understand some of the feelings, Bella," she painfully explained.

"I understand, but though there were times I thought death would be a far less crueler fate, I had my parents to think about, and you. Even though you left, I knew my death would bother you, Esme, even if it wouldn't bother anyone else. That partly kept me going," I explained.

Alice looked so ashamed that she wanted to die. I thought over what I said, and though it was cruel, it was true. However, I didn't want Alice to feel guilty or suffer.

"I'm sorry, Alice, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know now that it's not true, but back then it was. I just thought because of Esme's son that she might miss me if I died," I mumbled. I felt horrible about all this.

After that there were no words. Alice joined us on the bed. Esme and Alice each wrapped an arm around me, and we sat there in silence for a while. We sat there, each grateful the other two were there. In that moment, I wished Rose had been there to share in the bonding.

Suddenly Alice gasped, and grabbed her phone.

"What's wrong Alice?" Esme inquired.

"Rose. She is fed up with the boys' inability to figure this out. Apparently Bella here has befuddled all four of them, and she wants to set them straight. We need to stop her," Alice told me.

"Alice, how about you let her give him a hint. Maybe it could speed this along?" I suggested. Really, it wasn't even a fully formed plan, I was just thinking aloud.

"Fine, how does this sound:

Rose,

Don't tell them everything. He has to figure it out on his own or eternity will be very long and painful for all of us. If you really must, give him a hint, but no more than a hint… your first idea will work out just fine. If you tell them too much, I won't tell you the name of the parts place that has what you have been searching for, for you rebuild.

Love,

A"

"Perfect," Esme and I answered in unison.

We spent the rest of our time discussing how I would handle Edward upon his return. His return, according to Alice, was going to be soon, so I had to have my game face on.

**AN:**

Okay, what did you think?

I can't wait for your feedback.

Also, I'm thinking of writing two outtakes one being Emmet and Jazz dealing with Esme after they threatened Edward the other being the first day back. That or a sequel that would be my version of Eclipse/BD; not sure, what to you all think? Probably the outtake will win out, but not sure.

Thank you as always, dear readers. Remember, your reviews mean the world to me and they are always welcome. I would love to hear from you whether you give a review, constructive criticism, even just a little emotion icon; let me know you're out there and what you think.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

~E


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